If you see this man contact either the SFPD or Ripley’s Believe it or Not.
South DaCola News
By Samuel Coldsweat
While the city and Tuthill Park neighborhood has been on the edge since a SF police officer said a suspect attempted to shoot at him, they think they have the answer. While the suspect has not been apprehended, they do know who ‘IT’ is.
He has been identified as ‘Sasquatch Earle Furworthy’ or as his friend’s call him, ‘Harry Balls’ which translates into ‘Harris-lan testicle’ in Latin.
He was believed to be living in the wooded area on top of the park since October, and is a regular on the sledding hill.
“We have been suspicious that it has been him since regulars at the sledding park haven’t seen him since Christmas, and in the last siting, sledders said he was mumbling something about making smoothies and wielding a frozen banana.” Says Chief Darth Cowbell. “The tips have been reliable since it helped us rule out the tooth fairy and a unicorn.”
When Cowbell was asked if they have any ideas of his location, Cowbell responded, “We assume he HEADED FOR THE HILLS!”
If caught, we were wondering if any charges could be brought up against a Mr. Furworthy for wielding a banana at an officer.
Cowbell said he consulted state law and with the help of city attorney Danny Fiddle-Faddle, they found a loop hole in the city charter to bring him up on charges if captured. According to Canon 13-7445 of city charter it is;
‘Illegal to point fruit (frozen or thawed) at officers when they are questioning your eating habits.’
“I really have to hand it to Danny, he really pulled that one, from, well, the air.” says Cowbell “He’s pretty good at ‘slippery’ law (no pun intended).”
As for leads, they are working with authorities from Washington State (Earle’s home state) to see if they can track him down, but he has extended family that looks very much like him, and quite honestly, they ain’t talking.
“Finding a ‘grunting’ interpretor is difficult these days, and if you do, they usually ask for several hundred pounds of beef jerky in payment,” says Cowbell.
We asked if there has been anything similar happen in Sioux Falls in recent years.
“Actually yes. But it turned out to be nothing,” says Cowbell. “There was thought to be a siting of Lochness Monster at Covell Lake but it turned out to be just a giant turd from when we dumped sewage into the lake.”
THIS ARTICLE WAS SATIRE, BUT I WILL LET STU WHITNEY BE THE JUDGE.
Funny how the mayor announced yesterday that 26 shots were fired at law enforcement in the Kimball incident/standoff yet we still don’t know how many shots were fired during the Tuthill incident. I like how city officials pick and choose the information they are going to release.
Funny article. True tho because it’s how things get handled. I caught a show on looking for Squatch in Oklahoma. There’s maybe one tree and lots of open range. If there was one, he’d be found in a minute. Doesn’t take an hour show. Kinda like a Huether appearance. Nothing factual but takes an hour for self promotion, lies, and propaganda.