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Eggbert – where have you been?

Not sure if you remember South DaCola columnist, Eggbert, but it seems he stole his moniker;

Crazy Old Skool racing crashes (H/T – Eggbert)

This video is pretty wild. YES, that is a man flying through the air on the below screenshot. Heavy Bummin’!

OPEN THREAD: FRICKIN’ RED SHIRTS! (H/T – Eggbert)

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Eggbert: Dear fellow BIN Floggers

re: Lewis & Clark water pipeline meeting yields little

My neighbors, Ed, Ned, Jed, and Creamy Nugent have a whoppin’ sixty-nine “Build It Nowadays” signs duct-taped all over the outside of their beautiful, newly remodeled 6 and 1/2-story Ranch trailer house, and while suckin’ down BEERskies, smokin’ pipe and leanin’ on each other out at the back fence between our backyards, they reminded me and my family (including ones who live at home, are once removed, extended, ex, incestuous, half, disabled, twice removed, divorced, step, ignorant, cousinly, Christian and even non-Christian Uncle Rusty) to vote to “Build It Nowadays” on Tuesday, November 8th because the Nugents believe that drinkin’ BEERskies at the soon-to-be $200 million dollar fun-center  - watchin’ intelligent and manly men throwin’ a ball into a basket, goal, or net, and godly saints singin’ real pretty on stage  - all while we fall down drunk is much, much more important than even considering spending $200 million on an idiotic, liberal plan to provide obsolete liquid (water – really??? – YUCKY!!!) for 300,000 Sioux Falls area H2O-hoardin’ locals just to keep our tingly body parts moist when BEERskies do the same job. Goodness Gracious, Grampappy Grumpy, what the Hell are ya thinkin’?

Even Granny Gumption knows you can better lube up the ‘ole goofy-golf genitalia holes with MooseHead!

P.I.S.S. – We also don’t need your ignoramusly “old fart” advice on using our cool, hard-earned city/taxpayer money ($200 Million) on wasteful-spending ideas for upgrades to our city’s sewers, roads, parks, police, or fire dept., etc.  So, Gramps, go sit out front in your crappy lawn with your illegal cherry bombs, watch and listen to the cars bounce in and out of potholes, and stick your sewage backup spunk up your butt and shut it the Hell up. Also, be sure to pick up another 3 MooseHead kegs for the weekend – one for Granny, one for Creamy, and one for the rest of us lovable lubers…

Sincerely,

EggBert and family, Nugent neighbors, and fellow Right-wingin’ poor BEERskie-drinkin’ Christians with multitudes of “Built It Nowadays” signs up their whazoooooos’ -

 

Eggbert: Dear Fellow Fair Ground Goers

Aaaahhhhhhhh. Looking through our Nugent Neighbor’s Family Photo Album (SEE BELOW), we even figured out enough how to use the internets and located some of our favorite website stories on our iconic and most-beloved, most-respected, most-amazing, most-adored, most-idolized, most-peaceful, most-manly, most-conservative, most-humane, most-normalized, most-helpful, most-sane, most-Christian, and most-intelligentest person on the planet  – who just happened to perform an inspiring FREE as in FREEDOM concert last night at our wonderful city Fair Ground.

Yes, it is, and always will be, Ned’s, Jed’s, and Creamy’s Step-(Bastardly)2nd half-Cousin In-law, thrice removed…THEE EDDDIE NUGENT(“THE NUGG-BUGG” for short)!!!

With the EggBert Family, Neighbor Nugents, and THE NUGG-BUGG in town together at the same time, you better watch your backs, you liberal hippie-honkers, or you’ll libel to get sucked on by a tiger penis, shot in the crotch by a Zebra plastic bullet pellet gun, poked in the eye by the fish-hook on a Zebco fishing pole’s fishing line (or even possibly tragically killed accidentally by The NUGG BUGG’s weapon of choice – TV’s Ronco Pocket Fisherman, like when Creamy Nugent’s ex-boyfriend, Zip ZipperFish, lost his precious life when he mistook one for a Monster in His Pocket and rubbed it in the wrong way), or scared off by a Moslem-hating Tea partying dude dressed up in an Uncle Sam suit or President O’Bummer or something…

Sincerely,

EggBert, along with THE NUGG-BUGG and regular Nugent Neighbors, who we’ve been recently partying it up late each night with  - doing such macho, Republican and capitalistic things like hunting for road-kill in the dark, catching various non-edible varmints between our legs in a backwards and upside down crabwalk-like walk, roasting them all up on an open fire, spitting up the hairy parts, puking up the toenail parts, swallowing the anus parts, then frying it all up once more on a fire lit with their total carcass remains on top of our own freshly made manure coals then eating up the previously spit up and puked up parts – right after Gramps Grumps says meal-time Grace by praying to Christ-Almighty and Granny Gumption marinates it all with her own urinary recipe (what she calls her “cul-urinary expertease”)

 

Sheriff Mack is coming to town (H/T – Eggbert)

Get your anti-federal government partay on! I wonder if WTF Yankton will show up?

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EGGBERT: Weiner seeks leave of absence from House

Dear fellow Floggers:

Regarding this rather unspeakable, Peter-ugly, Democrat-typical, immoral “wiener event,”

With great regret, I am needing to stand up tall, let ‘em hang, and come clean here – (or as Granny Gumption puts it: “Little Egg-Beater – either shape up & show me your clean balls, or ship out!!!!”). It doesn’t matter that I was indeed one of the all-beef, fully HETROSEXUALIZED victims of CongressManly Antonio Weenie, it’s utmost important that he be locked up to never “weiner” anyone in Congress again.  However gender-confused & difficult this somewhat tragic and newsworthy happenpantstance has been, I admit I had a small if not tiny/puny and wee role in this drama-ramma-dingdong.

I am boldly erect in admitting that I unknowingly giggled and twatted the word weiner more than once on a Pubic Library computer during frequent times this past year while performing extensive research into the vast array of “Weenie-Juice Use as either an Antibiotic, Mood stabilizer and/or Sex hormone in the field of Underground Restaurant Management Survival.”

It seems that now it has been openly revealed  - (or as Gramps Grump coins newsflashes of this largeness: “Uncle Johnson has been un-caged and his wild & wooly and/or cute & cuddly Harvey wall-wanger is now out on the prowl”) that CongressManly Antonio Weenie’s magnificent images and sensitive messages were somehow exchanged with me during the heat of these Pubic Library moments. (Tiger growls & rooaaarrrrrrrrs and then sad Puddy-Cat whimpers & meeeeeowwws!!!!!)

Ok, I know that this very more than one scrotum-sided relationship needed to stop anyhew, but unfortunately, without further gentle Twats, funny Face-spaces, Shudderfly-shares, and Teste messages from my honey-bunny, I  realize that my weenie-juice will just up ‘n dry out and my usually wet-William Staunch Republican Egg-White Stoke-Yoke may  just fall over limp ‘n lewd-nude like…

I hope all is well with you and yours, and may God Bless the Republican parts of the USA !!!

Sincerely,

EggBert and his comrade-in-arms/fingers, Private Harvey Tiberious Johnson, Jr.

 

Eggbert is back!

Hello Jello, fellow floggers:

The EggBert family & Nugent neighbors has been busy as of late, digging an abscess tunnel from the deliciously scrotumupmtious Senior Weenie Restaurant to our newly opened up family super stubbie shop, Eggbert & Bertha’s (next to Taco Ball just south of 41st & Lester Ave in the Empire Mold shopping area) and subsequently – having set up, prepared, and opened for business In May to serve the masses of Sewer Falls. Unfortunately, we all passed out at approximately 4AM on July 30th, from what we believe to be caused by Granny Gumption’s Turkey Turd Tart Farts. Well, after we awoke this morning from our dreamy (Creamy’s was steamy) & deep comas, we shared our aroma-coma dreams – except for Uncle Rusty & Grampappy Grumps, who both for some reason actually took soapy bubble-scrubbing baths. Anyhew, it seems our dreams consisted of farfetched news stories of sanitary napkins, tampoms, & poopy toads floating inside our drainage & tunnel basements – and if you can believe this part – the entire EggBert family & Nugent neighbors dreamt that our beloved Mayor Mikey Likes It actually ordered the feces of the entire citizenry of Sewer Falls to be pumped into the Sewer River and also officially advised our town’s swampy inhabitants to NOT USE OUR BLADDERS AND BOWELS FOR DAYS ON END whenever it rains…

Thank God, the Father, and the Holy Jeshuiiiit that this was all just a fake sanitary sewer emergency wet dream, and not a REAL sanitary sewer situation…

However, after further discussion amongst ourselves, we decided to begin hoarding our bowels and bladders just because we want to do what’s right & follow our EggBert family & Nugent neighbor wet dreams…

Sincerely,

EggBert & fellow GOP (Goofenstein’s Outhouse Patrol) bowel & bladder hoarders of America!!!

THE EGGBERT FAMILY FINALLY WHIPS IT OUT ON GROUND HOT HOG DOG DAY…

Well, Howdy Hi-Hi, fellow hot bloggers:

The EggBert Family has been through quite the adventurous ordeal since last we encountered each other’s yummy-yum weenie-eating ways wayyyyy back on the Lord’s Day, Dec. 6th, 2009.

If ya all remember, after having had our beloved Republican SAVIOR, Sarah Palladin, sign her new “Gone Ragged” book for us at Barn’s & NoBalls in Sioux Falls, we high-tailed it over to our local Senior WeeWee Weiner Restaurant ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJ7CVSTIgTo ) to sign Palladin’s daughter’s lover Levi’s weiner. 

Well, as you can imagine, since God does indeed work in mysterious Senior WeeWee Weiner ways, things there turned out in our Weiner Winner Flavorable Way!!!  As the entire EggBert family waited in the mile-long line full of mostly hungry & drooling SD GOOP (Grand Old Omniscient Party) Levi-Weiner-Lovers, we figured as much that we oughta prove our EggBert manhood & womenhood by making our best EggBert family attempt to conquest The Great Senior WeeWee Weiner Upchuck Challenge ( http://senorwiener.com/ ), thus, rightly earning yet another EggBert family legacy by having succeeded in becoming the first family of Winning Weeny-Eaters to be mounted on The Senior WeeWee Weiner Wall of Frankfarting Fame.

 Alas, as we chowed down on the many delightful, delicious, & wonderful Senior WeeWee Weiner’s weenies while waiting – the whole freakin’ house of franks collapsed (presumably under the massive weight of Senior WeeWee Weiners’ many fried, boiled, & grilled weenies along with the throngs of Levi-Loving weenies in line to sign Levi’s GOOPY – Grand Old Omniscient Party’s Yummer – weenie) into a Greasy Pit of Weeny Wonder…all of which the liberal-leanin’ local media failed to report (the bastardly hippies). Thank God we survived the past 2 months of underground weeny wonder because we had plenty of weiner to munch, cold & firm waffle fries to enjoy in various doggie-style positions to bide the time, Levi’s abstinence-first love-making tips, & a wireless laptop so we could all pleasure ourselves for days on-end (or “end-on-and-in-end,” as neighbor, Creamy Nugent, likes to put it or have it put) playing the meaningful internet game of “Help our beloved former President George Bush with his employment now that he was ILLEGALLY booted out of our White House by a Black O’BUMMER Liberal weenie Loser”  http://www.gamesheep.com/game/hot-dog-bush/?act=PlayNow

TODAY, February 2nd, 2010 – GROUND HOG DAY - (THOUGH WE HAVE NOW OFFICIALY RENAMED it GROUND HOT HOG DOG DAY) – all of us – 1) the entire EggBert family, 2) the illustrious & highly-educated Senior WeeWee Weiner staff, & 3) the entire Levi’s Weiner-Loving GOOPers - AND our long-lost relative, Frankfurterfarter Harry Dickie Willie John Thomas Goofenstein, the Fourth (our Step-Half-Cousin Twice-Removed) 

who, coincidentally, we discovered in the bottom of the weeny pit – POPPED up our heads on this cold, wintery day, saw O’BUMMER’s “DARK” shadow, & rightfully so decided to return to the safe confines of the sewers of Sioux Falls & the greasy weenie pit of Senior WeeWee’s Gorged Restaurant – where we all will remain: buried, boiled, fried, & grilled – for the next 3 years, or at least, until the GOOPY weiner, once again, RISES…

GroundhogCartoon.jpg Ground Hog drawing image by PreschoolThemes

Sincerely,

EggBert & family, the entire Senior WeeWee Weiner Staff,  Levi’s weiner-loving SD GOOP fans, & most importantly, Levi & his weiner

Eggbert’s Thanksgiving, 2008

EggBert Family & Friend 2008 Thankful List:

On this wonderful Thanksgiving Day, my family and friends want to wish you all a glorious, utopical, crisis-free Holiday of love, food, and football (don’t watch the news today, because nothing important happens on Turkey Day!).  Each family member submitted their short list of what they are each thankful for this year – 2008:

“THIS THANKSGIVING, I  AM THANKFUL FOR…”

Petey Schwetty: Chicks, especially ones who like to feel the heat of Petey’s pistol.

Neighbor Ned Nugent: Guns, so I can shoot things like deer, and darkies.

Granny Gumption: Coffee cans to pee in, President George W. Bush, and Pastor Steve.

Uncle Rusty: My family and friends (though nutjobs), and for good citizens like this one for stepping up to the plate – http://beta.argusleader.com/article/20081122/VOICES09/811220319/-1/archive

Neighbor Creamy Nugent: Young fertile men with lots of money, assorted condoms, and big penile units.

Niece Nellie: Nice young boys like my loving boyfriend, Petey, who takes care of his girlfriends (like me) by impregnating them and sending them to the Unruugggggh’s Alphabet Center for abstinence education.

Gramps Grumpy Gump: Homeland Security government terrorist color chart alert safety systems so insurgents won’t blow up the United States or India.

Aunt Bertha: What the Hell else? A sweet, chiseled snow-machine man like Hotty Toddy Paladin. Yummy!!!

Neighbor Jed Nugent: White people, and cute, cuddly white poodles.

Sister-nephew Leslie Steve Allen Brandi Geibink-Cable: My role models who are my namesakes, for giving me unconditional love, gender-crisis counseling, and abstinence education.

Eggbert Tiberious Frankfurter Ichabod Goofenstein: My fellow bloggers, and for my Papa Poop and Mama Mush who went to work for the GOP during the Nixon Administration and left me in a coffee can on my grandparents’ stoop when I was but a wee child, but who also bestowed upon me my delicious wit, intelligent mind, and proud name.

*The photo above is of our Annual EggBert Family & Friend Thanksgiving Day traditional Turkey-Turd Search in the woods (after snarfing down 16 pizzas and sucking down 13 kegs of Schlitz beer) as Grampa Grumpy Gumpty shows off his turd (since we couldn’t find any turkeys).

Sincerely, wishing you all a very thankful and Turkey-Turd rewarded Thanksgiving -

EggBert, family & friends