Entries Tagged 'Eggbert' ↓

Eggbert – where have you been?

Not sure if you remember South DaCola columnist, Eggbert, but it seems he stole his moniker;

Eggbert: Dear fellow BIN Floggers

re: Lewis & Clark water pipeline meeting yields little

My neighbors, Ed, Ned, Jed, and Creamy Nugent have a whoppin’ sixty-nine “Build It Nowadays” signs duct-taped all over the outside of their beautiful, newly remodeled 6 and 1/2-story Ranch trailer house, and while suckin’ down BEERskies, smokin’ pipe and leanin’ on each other out at the back fence between our backyards, they reminded me and my family (including ones who live at home, are once removed, extended, ex, incestuous, half, disabled, twice removed, divorced, step, ignorant, cousinly, Christian and even non-Christian Uncle Rusty) to vote to “Build It Nowadays” on Tuesday, November 8th because the Nugents believe that drinkin’ BEERskies at the soon-to-be $200 million dollar fun-center  - watchin’ intelligent and manly men throwin’ a ball into a basket, goal, or net, and godly saints singin’ real pretty on stage  - all while we fall down drunk is much, much more important than even considering spending $200 million on an idiotic, liberal plan to provide obsolete liquid (water – really??? – YUCKY!!!) for 300,000 Sioux Falls area H2O-hoardin’ locals just to keep our tingly body parts moist when BEERskies do the same job. Goodness Gracious, Grampappy Grumpy, what the Hell are ya thinkin’?

Even Granny Gumption knows you can better lube up the ‘ole goofy-golf genitalia holes with MooseHead!

P.I.S.S. – We also don’t need your ignoramusly “old fart” advice on using our cool, hard-earned city/taxpayer money ($200 Million) on wasteful-spending ideas for upgrades to our city’s sewers, roads, parks, police, or fire dept., etc.  So, Gramps, go sit out front in your crappy lawn with your illegal cherry bombs, watch and listen to the cars bounce in and out of potholes, and stick your sewage backup spunk up your butt and shut it the Hell up. Also, be sure to pick up another 3 MooseHead kegs for the weekend – one for Granny, one for Creamy, and one for the rest of us lovable lubers…

Sincerely,

EggBert and family, Nugent neighbors, and fellow Right-wingin’ poor BEERskie-drinkin’ Christians with multitudes of “Built It Nowadays” signs up their whazoooooos’ -

 

Eggbert: Dear Fellow Fair Ground Goers

Aaaahhhhhhhh. Looking through our Nugent Neighbor’s Family Photo Album (SEE BELOW), we even figured out enough how to use the internets and located some of our favorite website stories on our iconic and most-beloved, most-respected, most-amazing, most-adored, most-idolized, most-peaceful, most-manly, most-conservative, most-humane, most-normalized, most-helpful, most-sane, most-Christian, and most-intelligentest person on the planet  – who just happened to perform an inspiring FREE as in FREEDOM concert last night at our wonderful city Fair Ground.

Yes, it is, and always will be, Ned’s, Jed’s, and Creamy’s Step-(Bastardly)2nd half-Cousin In-law, thrice removed…THEE EDDDIE NUGENT(“THE NUGG-BUGG” for short)!!!

With the EggBert Family, Neighbor Nugents, and THE NUGG-BUGG in town together at the same time, you better watch your backs, you liberal hippie-honkers, or you’ll libel to get sucked on by a tiger penis, shot in the crotch by a Zebra plastic bullet pellet gun, poked in the eye by the fish-hook on a Zebco fishing pole’s fishing line (or even possibly tragically killed accidentally by The NUGG BUGG’s weapon of choice – TV’s Ronco Pocket Fisherman, like when Creamy Nugent’s ex-boyfriend, Zip ZipperFish, lost his precious life when he mistook one for a Monster in His Pocket and rubbed it in the wrong way), or scared off by a Moslem-hating Tea partying dude dressed up in an Uncle Sam suit or President O’Bummer or something…

Sincerely,

EggBert, along with THE NUGG-BUGG and regular Nugent Neighbors, who we’ve been recently partying it up late each night with  - doing such macho, Republican and capitalistic things like hunting for road-kill in the dark, catching various non-edible varmints between our legs in a backwards and upside down crabwalk-like walk, roasting them all up on an open fire, spitting up the hairy parts, puking up the toenail parts, swallowing the anus parts, then frying it all up once more on a fire lit with their total carcass remains on top of our own freshly made manure coals then eating up the previously spit up and puked up parts – right after Gramps Grumps says meal-time Grace by praying to Christ-Almighty and Granny Gumption marinates it all with her own urinary recipe (what she calls her “cul-urinary expertease”)

 

EGGBERT: Weiner seeks leave of absence from House

Dear fellow Floggers:

Regarding this rather unspeakable, Peter-ugly, Democrat-typical, immoral “wiener event,”

With great regret, I am needing to stand up tall, let ‘em hang, and come clean here – (or as Granny Gumption puts it: “Little Egg-Beater – either shape up & show me your clean balls, or ship out!!!!”). It doesn’t matter that I was indeed one of the all-beef, fully HETROSEXUALIZED victims of CongressManly Antonio Weenie, it’s utmost important that he be locked up to never “weiner” anyone in Congress again.  However gender-confused & difficult this somewhat tragic and newsworthy happenpantstance has been, I admit I had a small if not tiny/puny and wee role in this drama-ramma-dingdong.

I am boldly erect in admitting that I unknowingly giggled and twatted the word weiner more than once on a Pubic Library computer during frequent times this past year while performing extensive research into the vast array of “Weenie-Juice Use as either an Antibiotic, Mood stabilizer and/or Sex hormone in the field of Underground Restaurant Management Survival.”

It seems that now it has been openly revealed  - (or as Gramps Grump coins newsflashes of this largeness: “Uncle Johnson has been un-caged and his wild & wooly and/or cute & cuddly Harvey wall-wanger is now out on the prowl”) that CongressManly Antonio Weenie’s magnificent images and sensitive messages were somehow exchanged with me during the heat of these Pubic Library moments. (Tiger growls & rooaaarrrrrrrrs and then sad Puddy-Cat whimpers & meeeeeowwws!!!!!)

Ok, I know that this very more than one scrotum-sided relationship needed to stop anyhew, but unfortunately, without further gentle Twats, funny Face-spaces, Shudderfly-shares, and Teste messages from my honey-bunny, I  realize that my weenie-juice will just up ‘n dry out and my usually wet-William Staunch Republican Egg-White Stoke-Yoke may  just fall over limp ‘n lewd-nude like…

I hope all is well with you and yours, and may God Bless the Republican parts of the USA !!!

Sincerely,

EggBert and his comrade-in-arms/fingers, Private Harvey Tiberious Johnson, Jr.

 

Sorry for the absence, but I had ‘family business’ to attend to

I know it is hard to believe that the mean old Detroit Lewis may have family (that he loves) but it’s true. I was outta town over the weekend in Dick Cheney’s home state to attend my cousin Abbie’s wedding (the beautiful bride below with my grandpa – yes, we do have attractive people in our family, of course, besides myself).

While weddings are great and all, a practice both sides of my family seem to want to perfect since they have multiple ones, one part of weddings that I truly enjoy are what the kids say. My cousin Jessie, below (Abbie’s 8 year old sister) did not disappoint. She had one zinger after another. This is her and me at the rehearsal dinner and my sad attempt to photograph the both of us. After the photo I showed it to her on my digital camera, in which she replied, “That’s not very good, we can see the hair in your nose.”

There was a couple of pleasant surprises on the way to the wedding while we drove across America’s armpit called Nebraska. We stopped for lunch in Ericson for a hamburger at this bar. It was the best freaking chargrilled cheeseburger I have even eaten. And BTW, the bartender/waiter/cook needs to stop watching HLN.

The second great surprise was a town called Egbert.

Eggbert is back!

Hello Jello, fellow floggers:

The EggBert family & Nugent neighbors has been busy as of late, digging an abscess tunnel from the deliciously scrotumupmtious Senior Weenie Restaurant to our newly opened up family super stubbie shop, Eggbert & Bertha’s (next to Taco Ball just south of 41st & Lester Ave in the Empire Mold shopping area) and subsequently – having set up, prepared, and opened for business In May to serve the masses of Sewer Falls. Unfortunately, we all passed out at approximately 4AM on July 30th, from what we believe to be caused by Granny Gumption’s Turkey Turd Tart Farts. Well, after we awoke this morning from our dreamy (Creamy’s was steamy) & deep comas, we shared our aroma-coma dreams – except for Uncle Rusty & Grampappy Grumps, who both for some reason actually took soapy bubble-scrubbing baths. Anyhew, it seems our dreams consisted of farfetched news stories of sanitary napkins, tampoms, & poopy toads floating inside our drainage & tunnel basements – and if you can believe this part – the entire EggBert family & Nugent neighbors dreamt that our beloved Mayor Mikey Likes It actually ordered the feces of the entire citizenry of Sewer Falls to be pumped into the Sewer River and also officially advised our town’s swampy inhabitants to NOT USE OUR BLADDERS AND BOWELS FOR DAYS ON END whenever it rains…

Thank God, the Father, and the Holy Jeshuiiiit that this was all just a fake sanitary sewer emergency wet dream, and not a REAL sanitary sewer situation…

However, after further discussion amongst ourselves, we decided to begin hoarding our bowels and bladders just because we want to do what’s right & follow our EggBert family & Nugent neighbor wet dreams…

Sincerely,

EggBert & fellow GOP (Goofenstein’s Outhouse Patrol) bowel & bladder hoarders of America!!!

My favorite DaCola contributor of 2008: Eggbert

Eggbert giving Grammy Gumption a ride.

I don’t often laugh out loud – but Eggbert’s posts alway make me burst.

Congrats. The Golden Turkey Turd is awaiting you.