After perusing Joan Rivers videos tonight I found this gem, Paul Lynde on Hollywood Squares
Entries Tagged 'Humor' ↓
September 4th, 2014 — Humor
April 4th, 2014 — Humor
Last night I was working, and one of the regulars at the bar says to me, “Hey, Scott, what happened to that Malaysian airplane?” So I thought this up on the fly, “You didn’t hear? They found it.” He says, “How?” I said they hired Tattoo from Fantasy Island and put him on the front of a ship and when he saw the wreckage he said, DA PLANE, DA PLANE!”
The mayor’s wife, Sandy Chuether is pretty excited, I mean you would be to if the city fronted you a cool half-mil to write a cook book about all things “Soo Foo” or as Sandy says, “Soo Food!” Whether it’s Stormland TV‘s anchorman Jorgi’s famous lamb chislic recipe from the Turner County Fair or AL‘s Horney Meyer’s 6 patty cheeseburger from ’5 Peeps Burgers’ (do you get the irony? 5 guys? 6 patties?) or her personal favorite, the Tennis Ball Meatball, “You know, it’s like, literally the size of a Tennis Ball!”
Well Sandy ain’t happy, and when Sandy ain’t happy, daddy sleeps on the couch. It seems Sandy wants more money from the CVB to promote her cookbook. In a telepathic message obtained by SouthDacola (no Dolphins were injured in the procedure) Sandy asked the city attorney if it was ok to use CVB marketing money to promote her fundraising for the new cookbook,
“BEEP< BEEP<BEEP<BROTTLE<SNAP<CLINK, ‘Darwin Faddle, are you there? Wondering if you would like to discuss with me using CVB money for promoting my cookbook? There is a Lemon bar in it for you! SNART<CLART<CLING<WALLOOP”
Being the Dolphin safe tuna eater that he is, Darwin responded, “Hard question, I will job that one out to the local Walmart attorneys, uh, I mean, our attorneys.” Which is still under consideration.
Which brings us to why she did this cookbook, “Well, you know, I don’t really do much these days except go to a lot of real estate closings (ever since my husband transferred all of his investments into my name) so I decided to steal . . . um . . . I mean, compile a bunch of friend’s recipes.”
“And you know, the tennis ball meatball is a fantastic recipe, it’s great comfort food for someone recovering from running into a fence pole after chasing a clearly out of bounds ball.” She laughs, “You know, I told him (the mayor) he should be playing pickleball at his age anyway.”
The controversy comes from Sandy asking the CVB to help fund the marketing of the cookbook (even though she already received $500K ‘seed’ money for the book from the city and asking for $1.5 million in donations to finish the project.
When we asked Sandy about the marketing money, she was quite candid, “Kinda ironic, isn’t it? Our local media ‘investigating’ me about asking for a couple grand to promote my cookbook, but they didn’t say a peep about the mayor’s wife asking for $500,000 publishing seed money, and the council approving it? Heck, they even invited me on their live programs to talk about it (of course without mentioning I was the mayor’s wife).”
“While I think it is awesome you are doing your due diligence on this matter, you must realize most people don’t care, so go back to writing about bicycles, vandalized gardens, or whatever you do.”
So we asked Sandy to explain to us, what she planned to do with the cookbook, once finished. “Give it to disadvantaged young tennis players, of course. Because as my husband says to me, ‘Greed is the Day God has given to you. Suck it f’ing dry!’ “
May 9th, 2013 — Humor
September 19th, 2010 — Humor
Apparently, the name of the new Pakistani ambassador has rubbed the Saudis the wrong way. The ambassador’s name, Akbar Zeb, in arabic means “Biggest Dick”. Similar attempts to penetrate the diplomatic corps of the UAE and Bahrain were also cockblocked.
While the Pakistanis had a huge swell of confidence that their man would be able to erect new bridges with their middle-eastern friends, it turns out that a major case of penis envy has given diplomacy the blue balls, and the Pakistani government a throbbing headache.
I, for one, am proud to live in a country where men whose name is also a euphamism for the male genitalia can be elected to high office and serve as members of our diplomatic corps anywhere in the world. All they need is a stiff adherence to our American principles and the peoples’ mushroom stamp of approval.
Looks like Glenn Beck dodged another bullet today.
Unfortunately, the victim of this fatal car accident was not him.
by Doktor Barkey
Even with the economy in the shitter, alcohol sales are up. I felt compelled to share one of my favorite sites on the internets Modern Drunkard Magazine out of Denver. It was THIS POST about how to infiltrate the “drys” that made me chuckle. So here’s to all you teetotalers out there making our lives easier by following through and picking up our slack. I tip my glass to you.. or more specifically… away from you.. and down my throat.