Entries Tagged 'Michele Bachmann' ↓

I think my balls just fell off

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S & P Downgrades Iowa’s IQ (H/T – Helga)

AMES, IOWA (The Borowitz Report) – Calling the results of today’s Iowa straw poll “alarming,” Standard and Poor’s took the unprecedented action of downgrading Iowa’s IQ.

While the effects of such an extraordinary measure are hard to predict, experts say the IQ downgrade could result in Iowans having difficulty completing sentences or operating a television remote.

“This downgrade would be very upsetting to Republicans in Iowa,” said an S & P spokesman.  “Fortunately, there’s no way they’ll understand it.”

The winner in the straw poll, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn), gave a rousing victory speech that was simulcast in English across the state.

But there may be tough sledding ahead for Rep. Bachmann, as a new poll shows her losing support to Texas Governor Rick Perry among voters who describe themselves as morons.

Gov. Perry kicked off his presidential campaign today in South Carolina, unveiling a new stump speech in which he promised to repeal the twentieth century.

Bachmann wins Iowa straw poll (H/T – Helga & Hos)

It takes a special talent to pull off the straw poll. I heard she takes advice from her husband.

And going on in other parts of the country, gay bashing, anti-christ talk, and normal Texas politics (H/T – Helga)

Rachel Maddow: Dangers of sex with demons highlighted by Perry prayer participant. I wonder if governor DooGard is going to this fun event?

Jon Stewart asks Seinfeld if Bachmann’s husband is closet (scroll down to see video)?

In honor of Dr. Marcus Bachmann’s gay therapy clinic, Jon Stewart dedicated his opening segment today to suppressing his “natural” urges to ridicule Bachmann for being both a gay conversion advocate and a very, um, flamboyant character. He kept his mouth closed, tried to switch gears, and even brought in a comedic therapist– Jerry Seinfeld– to resist the temptation, but ultimately, Rep. Michele Bachmann’s husband was just too gay for Stewart to resist heckling.

Beginning his segment by highlighting the fact that Rep. Bachmann is leading polls in Iowa, a state arbitrarily chosen as pivotal to primary races, Stewart noted that she was gaining traction despite Rep. Bachmann having some questionable views on the LGBT community– namely, believing that homosexuality is “bondage, personal bondage, personal enslavement” and that “gay” is a “satanic” thing. Standing right beside her on this sentiment? Her husband Marcus, who works in the mental health industry attempting, it has been reported, to help gay people cope with their orientation by renouncing it.

Stewart kept his jokes fairly on target until he played a video of the Bachmanns dancing, to which his initial reply was only, “that’s the guy teaching people not to be gay?” After sputtering to himself a bit about how gay Bachmann appeared, he allowed himself a few jokes, comparing Bachmann to “the Green Mile guy just absorbing it all” and calling him “one Izod shirt away from being the guy on Modern Family.” Then began the attempts to suppress his desire to ridicule Bachmann, which failed pretty significantly– “is he curing them so he can hoard all the gayness for himself?”– even with the help of Seinfeld. Stewart’s “comedic therapist” reminded him that he wasn’t “born” a comedian, “comedy is a choice,” and then proceeded to make some harmless jokes about Bachmann, like how his name is weird. Needless to say, it didn’t work.

 

Michele Bachmann – President of the John Wayne ‘Gacy’ fan club? (H/T – AG)

The movie star John Wayne was born in Winterset, IA. 150 miles from Waterloo. The serial killer, John Wayne Gacy lived in Waterloo at one time.

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Idiot? Don’t be so kind

What it actually said.

Dumb & Dumber (H/T – Helga)

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) posed for a picture with Birther leader and California secretary of state candidate Orly Taitz at a tea party lunch event in California Friday, Taitz tells TPM.

Taitz and Bachmann both spoke at a lunch sponsored by the Tea Party Patriots, Taitz said in an email. But Birtherism did not come up at the event, according to Taitz.

“Michelle Bachmann spoke at the lunch, however she did not talk about eligibility, but rather general status of economy, politics and elections,” Taitz says. “I spoke at the lunch, however I did not speak about ongoing legal actions involving Obama’s use of ss number 042-68-4425, which was assigned to another individual, I also did not talk about Obama’s refusal to unseal his original birth certificate, currently sealed in HI or any other issues of Obama’ illegitimacy to presidency which are raised in the pleadings. I talked only about my candidacy for the position of the Secretary of State of CA.”

Bachmann was in California for two days for a tour organized by Phyllis Schlafly’s Eagle Forum, state Eagle Forum president Orlean Koehle tells TPM. Bachmann’s office did not immediately respond to a request for comment.

Michele Bachmann the Welfare Queen gets $250,000 in farm subsides (H/T – The Young Turks)

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Michele Bachmann has become well known for her anti-government tea-bagger antics, protesting health care reform and every other government “handout” as socialism. What her followers probably don’t know is that Rep. Bachmann is, to use that anti-government slur, something of a welfare queen. That’s right, the anti-government insurrectionist has taken more than a quarter-million dollars in government handouts thanks to corrupt farming subsidies she has been collecting for at least a decade.

And she’s not the only one who has been padding her bank account with taxpayer money.

Bachmann, of Minnesota, has spent much of this year agitating against health care reform, whipping up the so-called tea-baggers with stories of death panels and rationed health care. She has called for a revolution against what she sees as Barack Obama’s attempted socialist takeover of America, saying presidential policy is “reaching down the throat and ripping the guts out of freedom.”

But data compiled from federal records by Environmental Working Group, a nonprofit watchdog that tracks the recipients of agricultural subsidies in the United States, shows that Bachmann has an inner Marxist that is perfectly at ease with profiting from taxpayer largesse. According to the organization’s records, Bachmann’s family farm received $251,973 in federal subsidies between 1995 and 2006. The farm had been managed by Bachmann’s recently deceased father-in-law and took in roughly $20,000 in 2006 and $28,000 in 2005, with the bulk of the subsidies going to dairy and corn. Both dairy and corn are heavily subsidized—or “socialized”—businesses in America (in 2005 alone, Washington spent $4.8 billion propping up corn prices) and are subject to strict government price controls. These subsidies are at the heart of America’s bizarre planned agricultural economy and as far away from Michele Bachmann’s free-market dream world as Cuba’s free medical system. If American farms such as hers were forced to compete in the global free market, they would collapse.

However, Bachmann doesn’t think other Americans should benefit from such protection and assistance. She voted against every foreclosure relief bill aimed at helping average homeowners (despite the fact that her district had the highest foreclosure rate in Minnesota), saying that bailing out homeowners would be “rewarding the irresponsible while punishing those who have been playing by the rules.” That’s right, the subsidy queen wants the rest of us to be responsible.