greatdane1

A DOG AND A BILLY CLUB

Earl Petty Jr.

(Part2 of 2)

PART 1

Beth went to the kitchen and grabbed a box of dog biscuits. She sat down in front of G. Gordon and commanded him lay down. He didn’t do it. Beth said, “roll over.” Nothing happened. “Speak!” she ordered.

 

“Why don’t you tell him to screw something,” I offered.

 

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“Screw you,” Beth said. The dog stood at attention. I about shit my pants.

 

“G. Gordon, sit!” Beth said. G. Gordon sat.

 

“Janet lit a cigarette. “At least he knows one command,” she said, “otherwise if someone breaks in he can always sex him to death.”

 

“Whatever,” I said. “Can I use the bathroom? Does it work?”

 

“Yes,” Janet said, “the landlord had somebody fix it earlier. But don’t pee on the seat. I hate that.”

 

I waved her off, entered the john and shut the door. I lifted the lid and took a leak. I put the seat back down and washed my hands. Then I flicked a few drops of water on the seat and laughed to myself. I was getting ready to leave the can when I heard the neighbors through the wall. It sounded like a couple going at it. The woman was screaming, “Oh! Mike! Oh! Mike!” in an increasingly higher tone and volume.

 

I walked back into the living room. “What the hell is that next door?”

 

“Oh yeah,” Beth said. “They are constantly fucking, all day, every day.”

 

“The neighbor girl is seeing Mike Handison,” Janet said.

 

“The college football player?” I asked.

 

“One in the same,” Beth said.

 

“They call him ‘The Handyman,’” Janet said. “Because of the size of his tool,” she nodded.

 

Beth raised her eyebrows. “It’s rumored his pecker’s the size of a church bell clapper. I hear he has a temper too.”

 

“I know,” Janet said. “He stomped the shit out of James Cole for looking at his girlfriend funny.”

 

“He’s only five-eight,” I said. “That shrimp couldn’t take anyone. That’s why the pros won’t even take a look at him.”

 

“I hear he’s trying out for the Jets next season,” Beth said.

 

I grabbed one of Janet’s cigarettes and lit up. “With the Jets’ performance the last few seasons, I’m surprised I haven’t got a call,” I said.

 

I took the last swallow of my beer. “Well I know one thing, I don’t want to listen to his shit.” I stood up and walked into the bathroom. The woman was reaching a crescendo, again. I gave the wall a few firm raps.

 

“Hey, Handyman,” I yelled. “Why don’t you holster that thing for a while. We’re trying to have a conversation in here.”

 

I took a drag off my cigarette and put my ear up to the wall. I shouldn’t have. The Handyman started pounding and kicking the wall. “I’m gonna kill you! You son of a bitch!” he screamed.

 

“Hey shorty,” I yelled back, “Why don’t you use that slab of yours to knock down the wall. I bet you could hit harder with your pecker than you could in full pads on the football field, you pussy.”

 

I left him pounding on the wall and I went back to the kitchen for another beer. The girls followed me in. G. Gordon watched.

 

“You moron,” Janet said, “he’s gonna come over here and we are gonna have to take his shit. I hope you’re happy”

 

“Don’t worry,” I said popping the tab, “I’ll answer the door.” 

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“Well,” Janet said, “let him kick your ass in the hall so you don’t get blood on the carpet.”

 

I took a long drink. “In addition to the beer, urine and cigarette butts already there?” I asked.

 

Just then Handyman started violently beating on the door. “Come out you piece of shit!” he screamed. I went to open the door. G. Gordon just sat there. “Some guard dog,” I muttered.

 

I opened the door. Handison was standing there balls naked. I looked down. The rumors were true. It was like a billy club dangling on a string. The rest of him was beet red and breathing like a bull.

 

“Hey,” I said holding out a beer. “You look like you could use a cold one.”

 

His chest heaved with deep breaths. His nostrils flared. “I’m gonna rip off your head and shit down your neck!”

 

As I took a long pull from my cigarette, something hit me from behind. I fell down and spilled another beer. My second wasted beer today. It soaked my cigarette. My luck was changing for the worse.

 

Then I heard screaming. High pitched screaming. I stood up and G. Gordon was on top of the Handyman. It looked like the huge beast was having a little more success with the college star than he did with me. At least I had some clothes on to slow him down. A couple seconds later all I could see was the massive dog and a couple human limbs frantically waving underneath. It looked like G. Gordon had found true love. I kicked my empty beer can down the hall and went back inside.

 

Janet and Beth were still in the kitchen. Janet opened the fridge and handed me another beer.

 

“Good God,” Beth said. “What happened?”

 

I popped the tab and smiled. “G. Gordon has a new girlfriend,” I said.

 

I took a drink of the beer. It tasted good. The best goddamn beer all day.

 

 

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