In the First Annual DTSF Dog Turd Battle there was a winner announced today . . . and it will surprise you.
“We just saw so much success with the burger battle and the equal success of the new dog park downtown that we decided to add a new competition,” said Communications Director Lady Swirly, “and surprisingly the criteria is very similar to the burger battle.”
The dog waste was judged on;
• Weight
• Girth (diameter)
• Unique Shape
• Overall artistry and composition
Swirly said at first they were going to limit it to just the new dog park, but they decided there were so many other popular places downtown for dogs to take (leave) a dump they opened it up.
“Besides the dog park, Falls Park and the lawn at city hall are actually very popular places for Fido to flop a number two,” said Swirly, “Our winner’s entry comes from the city hall location.”
While most would think weight would be the biggest contributing factor, the winner came out on top of the steaming heap because of the overwhelming votes on artistry and girth.
Some have wondered how they could determine the feces of the winner. Simple, a DNA test of the best entries were matched with veterinarian records.
The winner was a Jack Russell terrier named Nerdy who dropped a perfect sphere with the coloration similar to Jupiter complete with a big red spot.
The owners of Nerdy who live in a condo downtown said they can only assume Nerdy’s unique poo comes from them feeding him leftovers of take home burger battle entries that they couldn’t finish.
Owner Penelope Klurpy said, “My husband and tried so hard to eat every burger battle entry that it just got overwhelming and we let Nerdy splurge, apparently it encouraged him to turn his lower intestine into a canvas.”
And indeed he did!
Second place went to a male pitbull-bischon cross named Denny who dropped an 11 pounder in the shape of a skateboard.
Some have wondered how the entries were considered, Swirly explained that since the interns at DTSF don’t have much to do except wander around Zandbroz or stand in line for an omelet at Josiahs they were recruited to hunt down interesting deuces.
“Such a fun, naive bunch!” exclaimed Swirly
We look forward to next year’s Duke-O-Rama!
More people at this than the Winter Olympics. Who won the diarrhea event?
Knew PTH would find another way to steal more of Jolene’s 2018 thunder! The DNA tester of dog turds on the march.
“I like how you added the corn for texture!”
Cheech and Chong, A Long Time Ago
I tried to enter the Bunker Ramp into this contest, but they said you had to own your entry. But don’t I own it? I am a taxpayer. Plus, isn’t it time someone owned this monstrosity?…. Someone, it’s a lot like “someday”, isn’t it?
That downtown doggie park is where Ft. Sod used to be, right?…. So, be careful working the sod there.
Now, that the Burger Battle has been won, we will have more time to concentrate on the Ukrainian matter. But remember, winning a battle is not winning a war. They’ll be back with a better burger next year. You just watch. And say, who won the Burger Clash in Brookings (Vermville knows better, they are a true university town.)? #GoYotes!
“interesting deuces”, that is a good name for my newest sf VL casino
This is an idea I can get behind! Do I have to live downtown to enter? If not, I’d like to enter. My Goldie just left a pile I’ll call the “â€VSGâ€â€.
“It’s quite obvious NTNLIQ is obsessed with VSG”…. “If I was VSG, I’d take it as a badge of honor”….. “Because if you didn’t matter, they wouldn’t be talking about you”….
Okay, so I did the math on this. They claim 44,000 burgers were served resulting in $667,231 in sales with an eventual economic impact of $ 1.3 million dollars.
Now, if you divide the 667,231 by 44,000 then that means the average burger cost $15.16, then add a 20% tip and 7.5% sales tax and the final cost of the burger is $19.56. Then, if you ate it with your significant other, then you have to double that cost to $39.11.
But let’s just talk about a single burger for now. So, this burger cost you $19.56 before tax (Tips aren’t taxed, right?), but what else could you have done with that $19.56. Well, you could have gotten not one, but unlimited car washes for one month for just $18 at Silverstar. You could have also bought 18 boxes of Milk Duds at Walmart. Or, 12 two liter bottles of Diet Pepsi at Walmart, too. How much is hamburger right now? Like $3.50 a pound? Well then, you could have bought 5 plus pounds of hamburger with that $19.56, which would then make over 20 quarter pound hamburgers. A course you need to find some money for buns and condiments, too, but I think you get my drift here.
Also, keep in mind, that if one burger costs $19.56 before tax, while one homemade hamburger costs you 88 cents (Forget about the condiments and bun for a minute here.) based on a $3.50 a pound cost, then the average Burger Battle burger is over 20 times more expensive then a burger made by Mom, and how can that be economically advantageous other than that you are handing over the economic capabilities of your money to someone else to enjoy and profit from?
But then again, there is this factor to consider:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAx553k7W5s
Correction: Cost of burger is $ 19.33 with tax and tip. Cost of burger without tip is $ 16.30.
🙁
“Milk Duds and Diet Pepsi, huh?”…. “Well, I guess we now know what VSG’s diet consists of …”
I am not sure where you are buying hamburger at$3.50 a pound… it hasn’t been that since Trump was president.
Tom Cat, I last bought a bunch under Trump, expecting a civil war, but luckily for now, January 6th was a dud.
I will defend burger battle, the nice part is that this money is being recirculated in the community, and even if people spent $100 on a hamburger it is better then spending a $100 on 2 busch lights and a pretzel at the EC. Although I do think that the burger battle should be opened up across the city and patty that is protein based. When I worked at Grille 26 they used to have a salmon burger that was fantastic.
My problem with the Burger Battle is that it gets way too much media attention. So, that’s why I mess with it. Every time I hear a Burger Battle story on the local news I am like: “Oh, did a new issue of the Weekly Reader just come out?”….
I don’t fear fake news, but I do want real news.
( and Woodstock adds: “I am still waiting for a Food Truck Battle that culminates into a demolition derby” …)
I agree. That’s why I wrote this parody. But my years of working in hospitality have taught me that January is a slow month and it is good for business. But the media’s obsession with food in this town is ridiculous. Most of the people who died from Covid were obese, but you will never hear that story from the media.
What’s the New Hampshire motto?…. Oh ya: “Live Free or Die Fat and Happy”…
where do you get hamburger for 3.50
Like I said, I bought a punch under Trump. #FreezerBurn
10 lb rolls of 85% lean ground beef is $3.49/lb at Franklin Food Market. 80% lean @ $3.19/lb.
Meat Lodge 80 % lean @ $3.09/lb
Just sayin’.
Gotta’ venture out from Taupeville for the meats!
Now, Franklin Food, that’s what you would call a “Boutique Grocer”, right?
that sounds like a pretty damn good deal then u can’t always find what you need at look’s and the weirdo food at aldi is like shopping for wacky packages