Entries Tagged 'God' ↓

I have the best dreams!

I can’t remember there being a point to any of it, but I thought it might be fun to run through the highlights.

For some reason I was at work on a Sunday and couldn’t check my voicemail. GoD stops by to use the shitter, and brought a ‘Post-Feminism-Lesbian-MAXIM-Assault-Weapon-Weekly’ magazine with him to read, but ends up leaving it on my desk. Inside the mag, instead of samples of perfume, there is a single prosthetic labia attached to an advertisement for vaginal reconstruction. For some reason I tear it out and start pretending it is a fake moustache, walking around and putting it up to peoples faces to see what they look like with ‘labia-lip’.  One of these people is my mom, who starts to freak out about the idea of fake mommy parts touching her face, when I reassure her that in reality I am holding a 4 foot long plastic iguana, and the very end of the tail was what I was pretending was the moustache. That is about the time that I notice that my voicemail light isn’t on anymore, and I start feeling like I’m choking and can’t breath. So I rush off to the bathroom, which is hard to find because for some reason I work in a giant building that is a cross between the YMCA, John Morrell, and the Old Courthouse. When I look in the mirror, there is a hair sticking out of my mouth. For the remainder of my dream, I am pulling huge hairballs out of my throat, stomach, sinuses and inner ear. Great big gobs of bathroom sink and tub drain type hairballs. They look like they’ve been steeped in soap scum and mold and they smell and taste about the same.

Someone walks in the bathroom and reminds me that it’s time to go bowling. It is at THAT POINT that I realize I’m dreaming… I don’t ever go bowling.. and that is what’s weird enough to wake me up.

A Blast of Cheer from MSM to start your day out right.

2012 is going to be a great year!

I hope it happens while I am in Belize.

“I’m not going to make it to work for the rest of the year, the Sun Gods are angry.”

Non-Christians believe in God to, yah know

Alexander Hamilton, a deist, a founding father and our first Treasury Secretary did not run for president because he had to admit to his peers that he was paying some guy to screw his wife.

Another letter to the editor about how our country was founded under God (ironically by deists);

Our country was founded on the words “In God we trust” and “One country under God.”

The letter writer doesn’t mention Christianity, so I hope she knows that the founding fathers were referring to all references of God not just Christianity. And BTW “one nation under God” was not added to the pledge of allegience until the 20th century to scare the Russians.