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I’ll get us started;

‘A Pastor, a Color Blind Graphic Designer and a Narcissist walk into a bar . . . wait, maybe I got those mixed around’

AG Ravnsborg was reaching for the Holy Grail when he hit and killed pedestrian

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After we found out yesterday that Jason was actually driving in the shoulder of the road (almost in the ditch) when he hit Mr. Boever, we were quickly told he was distracted by something, but no one can say what. Speculation is he may have fallen asleep, could have been speeding and lost control, or even worse texting and driving. Some have argued that NOT all distracted driving is the fault of the driver and could be considered an unfortunate accident. The right wing spin machine (which has been famous at protecting Republican office holders who don’t seem to have regard for traffic laws) have been arguing that maybe Jason’s distraction wasn’t his fault.

Highway Patrol Officer, Donald Killsadeer said there are some distinct possibilities, “Once we had a Republican legislator from out in the NW part of the state that had to swerve off the road due to a group of leprechauns crossing the road. We never found them, but he’s a Republican legislator, so we took his word for it.”

Those that are close to Ravnsborg are telling us that after he left the Lincoln Day Dinner that night that before he got to Highmore he saw a bright light in the road and stopped. Right there in the center of the road was an angel holding the Holy Grail. The angel told Jason to take it to Pierre and give it to Noem.

Close friend, Clyde Smorgesborg told us, “Jason didn’t want to leave it out of his site, so he placed it on the dashboard. While he was rounding the turn in Highmore the Grail fell to the floor, as Jason was reaching to grab it he went off the road and hit Boever.”

Hmm, seems plausible, but we were suspicious of one thing about Jason’s alibi. Why was he bringing the Holy Grail to Noem?

Smorgesborg explains, “Oh, that’s easy, Jesus Christ sent it down from Heaven to give to Noem to protect her on the campaign trail for Donald Trump. There’s a lot of crazies out there, and they all seem to gather at Trump rallies.”

So it looks like Jason (like most Republicans in our state) has Jesus on his side.

Case closed.

South Dakota State Legislator from Sioux Falls proposes a bill for mental health evaluations for his colleagues

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I spoke with the legislator last night about his proposal, and at this point he wants to remain anonymous, but promises me that he will have several sponsors for the bill.

The bill, if passed would implement a law that requires all current and new legislators to undergo a mental health evaluation and IQ test. They will also have to take a UA (drug test) and undergo an addiction screening.

I asked Legislator ‘X’ why he is proposing this.

“Well, do you need to ask? Every year we are faced with more ridiculous bills, in this year alone there has been bills introduced that would limit surrogacy, limit transgender treatment, allows people to avoid vaccinations for their children, and take taxes off of guns and ammo (instead of food).”

I reminded him of what Hunter S. Thompson once said about that, why would people want to hoard food for an apocalypse? You want to hoard guns, because the people with the guns will have the food.

After a brief chuckle from Rep. ‘X’ he continues, “Many times these laws are unconstitutional and that costs taxpayers money to fight them in court, which brings us to HB 1004 which would allow the legislative body to ’employ legal counsel other than the attorney general…to represent the Legislature in any court of this state or the United States.’ In other words more kooky right wing groups interfering in our court system.”

So what do these bills this have to do with the mental health evaluation?

“Because the legislators that are proposing this crap are batsh*t crazy!”, exclaimed Rep. ‘X’ “They are either crazy, stupid or on drugs, and this bill addressed them all.”

Well you cannot argue with that.

So what are the repercussions if they fail one or more of the tests?

“If they are newly elected, they will be ineligible to serve to begin with, if they are already serving, they will be removed. In both situations they will also have to pay for the testing.”

I asked him how many legislators he suspects that will leave us with and Rep. ‘X’ said this, “A handful, and they will probably all be Democrats.”

So what would happen after this mass exodus of crazy folks? He said the first thing that would happen is we would have to increase the funding to the state hospital ‘significantly’ and secondly we would have to have a second emergency election to fill those seats. Rep ‘X’ is not certain how that would work, but he said in order to make the legislature viable we would probably have to leave ‘Republicans off the ballot’ in the emergency election.

Some have argued with Rep ‘X’ that this proposal is crazy and goes against personal choice of the electorate. “Yes, it does go against ‘personal choice’ and this may be why they just might support it”, says Rep ‘X’. “Because if the state legislature in South Dakota is good one thing, it’s taking away your personal choices.”

A majority of both houses just may be ‘crazy’ enough to support it.

*This piece is satire and only meant to inflame the nutty right wingers in Pierre.

Local Govt entities join forces to become ‘Sioux Falls OP-OUT’

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For years, there has been a push for Minnehaha County and the City of Sioux Falls to join forces and become one. With this merger, they went even a step further. The City of Sioux Falls, the County and also the School District are now all one entity called ‘Sioux Falls OP-OUT’

County Treasurer Stan Neilson said, “So many people are confused about where their property taxes go, and with all these increases by all three entities, this will just make it easier to raise . . . uh . . . I mean ‘regulate’ your property taxes.”

So with this change I wondered if it would actually save taxpayers millions in employee salaries and benefits since a lot of the jobs could be combined.

“Highly unlikely,” said HR director for the city, Bud Da’Toole, “We are going to actually ADD more employees, mostly in management, because we will need a lot of middle managers to handle the transition, I also expect the the administrators to double in the education side of the deal.”

There was one bright spot in the whole transition though, and good news in the Parks and Rec department. Parks Director Dave Kornhole explains, “We figured since we are paying teachers a yearly salary anyway, they might as well work the entire year, so during the summer we will have teachers working in our parks mowing grass and during winter break we will have them plowing streets.”

I wondered if teachers would be qualified to plow the streets. Street director Kyle Skidmore said, “Like our current snowplow operators, if they don’t know how to use the snowgates properly, they’ll just skip a driveway or two.”

Some wondered who would be the administrator of this new unity. Would it be the mayor, the superintendent or the commission chair? Former county chair Sandy Highpants said that was an easy decision, “I’m in charge. I’m always in charge.”

We asked superintendent Bruce Mauler if he was aware of the new leadership decision. “Yeah, she may be ‘in charge’ but we all know who makes the decisions around this joint, behind closed doors of course.”

Mayor TwoSh*ts was unavailable for comment because he was busy with a SELFIE Shoot by a hat rack at Flying J Truckstop.

We also wondered what the legislative makeup would be. City council chair Marty Selless said that the first process would be asking any of the board members of each of the entities if they would want to resign. The only taker so far was Commissioner Jesse Farth who told Marty, “I’m outta here suckers!”

The second step of elimination would be done during a joint meeting with all three bodies. “Basically, whoever falls asleep during that meeting or is caught texting would be eliminated. We figured that should whittle us down to about 5 members” said Selless.

So there you have it, in the name of even higher property taxes, we have made government more efficient.