Entries Tagged 'Satire' ↓

Sioux Falls changing name to Stanferd International Falls

Well, we should have seen this coming. For years people have suspected we would change our name to Stanferd Falls because of all the dirty money Zillionaire B. Danny Stanferd has given to the city.

CEO of Stanferd Health Systems, Kelsey Krabbypants, said, “We really never liked the ‘feel’ of Stanferd Falls, but with the Stanferd International Golf tournament in Sioux Falls for the next 5 years and the cool sounding name of International Falls, MN, we thought Stanferd International Falls had a nice ring to it.”

Some are wondering how this name change got thru the mayor’s office and city council without any public hearings. Krabbypants remarked, “Oh, the city council? Uh, they really don’t have any power and with all the kooks that come to public input at the meeting we decided to go straight to the top. Since we found it so easy to pay off virtually all of our local media, throwing some money at the Mayor was a snap. Besides, not sure if he even knew about the executive order since his COS staff signed it, like most of his executive orders.”

We also asked Kelsey how we would pay for the signage changes since the cost could be in the millions. “That’s simple, we will just have to do a bunch of unnecessary tests on medicare patients over the next few years to cover it.”

Welcome to Stanferd International Falls!

New High School to be named after Ronald Reagan?

Of course we have to wait and see if the bond issue passes on Tuesday, but a group of local businessmen may already be planning to propose it be named after the Gipper.

Of course, many have been proposing Jefferson, but in reality it can be named after any president.

Last week I overheard a group ‘upper crust’ businessmen enjoying a cocktail at Minerva’s bar discussing the push to name it after Reagan.

“Makes sense doesn’t it?” One of them says, “What could be more fitting? I mean, Reagan stuck it to the middle and lower middle class during his presidency that has had lasting economic impact over the past 38 years widening the gap between rich and poor.”

“Not sure I understand?” says one of his friends

He replies, “Well the bond itself will burden those same people for up to 30 years. And who can forget sticking it to the elderly on fixed incomes?”

A third guy chimes in, “Sounds verrrryyyy Reagan-ness to me. Here’s a cheer to Ronald Regan High School!”

*While this is a parody, don’t be surprised if someone actually proposes it.

Fugly & Butt’erface newly named Alpacas at the Zoo!

The Great Plains Zoo recently held a competition to name the new junior Alpacas. While there was many submissions we were surprised by the winning names.

One parent whose 7 year old child submitted cried for days, “While my little angel loves butter, once I explained what ‘Fugly’ meant she just started bawling.”

One parent said, “So now we are going to let thug rappers submit names? The GPZ is going to H*ll”

We were curious why the zoo chose these controversial names when so many kids submitted more suitable names. Public Policy Director for the Zoo, Geoffrey P. Flamingo said, “Sure, we had cute names like ‘Ice Cream’ and ‘Root Beer’ and even ‘Diaper Dance’ but the staff who has to look at these two every day felt we needed something more appropriate. I mean, just look at them! They are a cross between a hornless goat and a goose. And even when they are attempting to be cute, they sneeze boogers everywhere.”

While I was taken back by the cruelness of the names, there was also a part of me that noticed they had this ‘I wish I was still in Peru’ look about them.

Maybe the new names will bring them more charity?

Who says Public Input is a nuisance?

So for the month of August we will be trying out a new thing at Club David. Patrick Lalley, Matt Staab and I will be doing live commentary to a live stream of the city council meetings at Club David. More details to come, but we hope to have the first event August 7th.

Billion’s ‘Black Iron’ Development NOT concerned about train noise downtown

And you think the trains are loud downtown?

At the Sioux Falls City Council informational meeting last Tuesday, David Billion said he wasn’t to concerned about the rail traffic noise and whistles downtown because they have had tenants near the tracks for over a decade with little complaints.

He also added that ALL prospective residential tenants will be submitted to listening to Billion Auto Ads for an 8 hour period. He figures this will prepare them for any train noise.

SD Delegation sends Trump 2nd letter; this time with an Applebees giftcard

Well you know what they say, you catch more bees with honey. Senator Thune said this about the 2nd attempt to address the trade war, “We know that the president likes to eat crappy food, so we thought this would be a great follow-up letter.”

I asked Thune since he was 3rd in line for GOP leadership in Washington couldn’t he just pick up the phone and call Trump?

Thune seemed confused and said, “Interview over.”

Sioux Falls Police ‘Report to Work’ stations will be called P.R.E.C.I.N.C.T.S but they are NOT Precincts

The city of Sioux Falls has come up with a clever name for these stations, P.R.E.C.I.N.C.T.S, short for Police REquired Check IN Community Time Stamps. But the Police Chief and Mayor want us to know they are NOT precincts;

Mayor Paul TenHaken is quick to emphasize that these report-to-work stations are not police precincts, which he opposed in the mayoral race earlier this year.  Instead, officers would report to an office at a busy area of the city and receive their daily briefing before heading off on their beat.

Remember, the city doesn’t want you to confuse P.R.E.C.I.N.C.T.S with Precincts. They are different.

Traffic shutdown after mayoral candidate tells a joke

Traffic outside of a popular retirement home in Sioux Falls was shutdown for a couple of hours so emergency personnel could attend to residents mostly for light heads and shortness of breath.

The incident happened after mayoral candidate Paul TenHens told his first stump speech joke of the campaign season.

Many residents can’t recall if the quip was funny, because they were so taken back with his sudden sense of humor.

Resident Annie Mae was totally shocked, “He was in full campaign mode, talking about crime, leadership and roads, than all of sudden he partially grins, puts out a soft kitten like snort, and says something that seemed like a joke. The entire crowd gasped. Even old nappy time Morty woke up.”

Since most residents were still being attended to when I showed up on the scene it was hard to find someone who could actually tell me what the joke was.

A staffer who didn’t want their name used told me, “It was something about taking the door off the mayor’s office to use at a new skatepark. It was confusing because it started out with a line about a Priest, a Rabbi and a city director at Monk’s bar at 4 PM on a Friday afternoon.”

We tried to reach out to the TenHens campaign for comment, and they released this statement, “Our thoughts and prayers are with the residents and we are thankful there was no serious injuries. We want to apologize for such a good Christian like Paul to attempt to tell a joke. Campaign staff has been counseling him since the incident and reminding him to always be serious and never show comedic emotion.”

On a positive note, maybe TenHens supports the new skatepark, city hall transparency and city employees drinking beer? I just hope he stops reading Dr. Allen Unruh’s clean joke books. Any casualties at our local retirement homes could totally kill his chances of being mayor.

City to hold bake sale to help fund notepads and pens

The city announced this today;

The City said because of Falls Park’s popularity, a loss control consultant contracted by the South Dakota Public Assurance Alliance (SDPAA) evaluates the park with a risk manager annually.

These reports, which were done orally, were completed in 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2014, 2015, and 2017.

I called Central Services Director Sue QuanBeckBabbaling and asked why NO one with the city’s risk department, fire department, police department or parks department didn’t take notes during these ‘ORAL’ reviews.

She replied, “I know, kind of embarrassing isn’t it? To tell you the truth, the city just forgets to budget for pens and notepads each year for staff. That is why this year we are offering a solution by having a bake sale at city hall to fund these necessary office items.”

I wondered with all the other ‘expensive’ things the city spends it’s budget on, how such a oversight could happen. Tracy Turncoat the city’s finance director said this,

“Well, I thought we had the budget shortfall handled once we implemented the rule that city employees must bring their own bathroom tissue to work and making it SOP for SFPD officers to do their duty at McDonalds. But it just couldn’t shore up the shortfall enough.”

He did however tell me that they will see some cost savings once the notepads can be donated, “We will be spending less on chalk in the engineering department.”

Just when you think your city is doing fine financially, the little things rear their heads.

The sale will occur this Friday from 9 AM-4 PM, and for an extra dollar per cupcake the mayor will personally lick the frosting off the top.*

*Sorry, no refunds if you have a gag reflex.

Found on Facebook, Bat Haken