Entries Tagged 'Satire' ↓

Traffic shutdown after mayoral candidate tells a joke

Traffic outside of a popular retirement home in Sioux Falls was shutdown for a couple of hours so emergency personnel could attend to residents mostly for light heads and shortness of breath.

The incident happened after mayoral candidate Paul TenHens told his first stump speech joke of the campaign season.

Many residents can’t recall if the quip was funny, because they were so taken back with his sudden sense of humor.

Resident Annie Mae was totally shocked, “He was in full campaign mode, talking about crime, leadership and roads, than all of sudden he partially grins, puts out a soft kitten like snort, and says something that seemed like a joke. The entire crowd gasped. Even old nappy time Morty woke up.”

Since most residents were still being attended to when I showed up on the scene it was hard to find someone who could actually tell me what the joke was.

A staffer who didn’t want their name used told me, “It was something about taking the door off the mayor’s office to use at a new skatepark. It was confusing because it started out with a line about a Priest, a Rabbi and a city director at Monk’s bar at 4 PM on a Friday afternoon.”

We tried to reach out to the TenHens campaign for comment, and they released this statement, “Our thoughts and prayers are with the residents and we are thankful there was no serious injuries. We want to apologize for such a good Christian like Paul to attempt to tell a joke. Campaign staff has been counseling him since the incident and reminding him to always be serious and never show comedic emotion.”

On a positive note, maybe TenHens supports the new skatepark, city hall transparency and city employees drinking beer? I just hope he stops reading Dr. Allen Unruh’s clean joke books. Any casualties at our local retirement homes could totally kill his chances of being mayor.

City to hold bake sale to help fund notepads and pens

The city announced this today;

The City said because of Falls Park’s popularity, a loss control consultant contracted by the South Dakota Public Assurance Alliance (SDPAA) evaluates the park with a risk manager annually.

These reports, which were done orally, were completed in 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2014, 2015, and 2017.

I called Central Services Director Sue QuanBeckBabbaling and asked why NO one with the city’s risk department, fire department, police department or parks department didn’t take notes during these ‘ORAL’ reviews.

She replied, “I know, kind of embarrassing isn’t it? To tell you the truth, the city just forgets to budget for pens and notepads each year for staff. That is why this year we are offering a solution by having a bake sale at city hall to fund these necessary office items.”

I wondered with all the other ‘expensive’ things the city spends it’s budget on, how such a oversight could happen. Tracy Turncoat the city’s finance director said this,

“Well, I thought we had the budget shortfall handled once we implemented the rule that city employees must bring their own bathroom tissue to work and making it SOP for SFPD officers to do their duty at McDonalds. But it just couldn’t shore up the shortfall enough.”

He did however tell me that they will see some cost savings once the notepads can be donated, “We will be spending less on chalk in the engineering department.”

Just when you think your city is doing fine financially, the little things rear their heads.

The sale will occur this Friday from 9 AM-4 PM, and for an extra dollar per cupcake the mayor will personally lick the frosting off the top.*

*Sorry, no refunds if you have a gag reflex.

Found on Facebook, Bat Haken

BREAKING: Tooth Fairy authorized Flat Siding installation on Events Center

Okay, it was a little hard getting a hold of the Tooth Fairy, with her busy schedule and all, but she was able to have a short interview with me about her roll in ‘Siding Gate’ and who actually authorized the flat panel installation.

ME: Sorry to interrupt your busy schedule  . . .

TF: No problem Detroit, I needed a break anyway. I’m in the middle of editing the Book of Mormon right now, and it’s a stickler.

ME: So tell me how you got involved with authorizing the flat siding on the EC.

TF: See, whenever Mayor Huether needs someone to sign off on something controversial he has a group of us in rotation to pick from, and it was my turn, unfortunately.

ME: A group of you?

TF: Yeah, it’s Me, Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny, Mickey Mouse and of course Mark Cotter.

ME: That explains why Mark signed off on the TIF Mayor Huether’s wife got for an apartment project she invested in.

TF: Exactly!

ME: Why did the Mayor consider the flat panels controversial?

TF: You are kidding me? Right?

ME: Uh, No.

TF: See, he had his panties in a bunch about getting the Premier Center done on time and under budget because SMG had this ‘grand’ idea to book acts before they even had the toilets installed, so to cut corners they decided to ditch pre-curved panels for flat ones, saving the city oodles of time and money. You know, it’s all about the present with Mike, that whole doing important things with the day God gave you.

ME: Didn’t he know this would bite him in the butt eventually?

TF: Of course he did, that’s why he had city attorney Fiddle-Faddle draw up a secret settlement and me sign off on the panels. All in a day’s work, I guess, until the SD Supreme Court had to meddle with it.

ME: Well, thanks for clearing that up. BTW, is there any other projects he had you sign off on we should know about?

TF: Not that I can think of. Santa handled the Administration Building and I think the Easter Bunny was involved with the DT Parking Ramp.

ME: What about the Quit Claim Deed on Spellerberg Park?

TF: Uh . . . gotta go . . . the Mormons are calling.

This is satire. The Tooth Fairy does not exist and is a fictional character. Unfortunately the flat panels do exist and look like crap.

Sioux Falls now has it’s own version of the ONION

We will see how long this lasts; thesiouxfallsheadliner.blog

“How great of a story is it that our great citizens of this proud city finally found a stray animal. You know when the talk of the town is about a stray dog, we are doing something right as a city.” said Mayor Mike Huether.

You should read the one about the goose running for mayor.

South DaCola 2016 year in review (Part I)

art-maze-mower-lrArtMaze, one of the better parts of Sioux Falls life in 2016

2016 has been a rough year for citizen activism. While it has been up and down here in Sioux Falls with many successes and failures to boot, it seems Washington DC has gone into full collapse as we allowed racist, sexist, hillbillies to elect our president.

READ ABOUT 2015 REVIEW HERE.

But locally there were three things that stood out;

• Governor Daugaard claiming that voters were ‘hoodwinked’ into voting for IM 22, then getting the Pierre (in)justice system to go along with it. Funny how for over 40 years voters have been voting his party into power, and no word about ‘hoodwinking’ but once that corrupt power will be challenged, all the voters are idiots. As one official told me that used to work for Dennis, it’s not the public that are idiots, it’s Dennis. And his idiocy has been shining through.

• The South Dakota Democratic Party’s bottom completely fell out, and the people in charge patted themselves on the back. Insanity I tell you! Insanity!

• But one of the greatest achievements of the year is the Sioux Falls City Council’s change of power. The four new councilors have been flexing their muscles with a little help from Councilor Erickson, and while they have had a few missteps to start out, they have been learning from the battle scars. While ‘leadership’ of the council (Rolfing and Kiley) seem to be on a two man mission to rubberstamp all things Huether, shut down public input, and concoct false ethics charges against a fellow councilor (until they got caught lying like the snakes they are) they are becoming more and more in check. The city council has many big plans for 2017, and I have a feeling their agenda will push through easily as our lame duck mayor melts.

Let’s take a look at some the finer high and low points of 2016;

• The Huether Tennis center continues to block parking from other event attendees at the Sanford Sports complex though they basically stole $500K from taxpayers for the facility. Throughout the year there was several reports on cones and signs blocking the lot with not cars in it. But hey Mike’s Bride won an award this year and seemed surprised she did, without commenting that her check to the organization that gave the award wasn’t returned.

• The Sioux Falls City Council leadership and mayor’s HR department pulled a military retiree out of their asses for city clerk, a person who will be in charge of our city elections and hasn’t been registered to vote for years. He also proved his knowledge of official stamps when he stamped a petition without even bothering to read it. While Mr. Greco has gotten better over the year, the city clerk position should not be a $80K+ a year job as an apprentice, sadly being trained by one of his assistant clerks who has ten times the qualifications and applied for the position but was turned down. I’m sure it had nothing to do with the council chair’s view of women in the work place.

• Speaking of letting the mayor’s HR department and Leadership’s Mutt and Jeff pick the next internal auditor, the council barked loud enough that they did not want another ‘Greco’ pick. Not sure if the barking worked, but the person who was set to take the job saw the writing on the wall and turned it down. Hopefully the person who ultimately gets the position won’t be turned down because they shave their legs.

• The city continues to blow money on the Winter Wonderland Display, but the way the mayor has been cutting budgets these days, I expect next year’s display to be a couple of homeless barrel fire pits, sponsored by the Dudley House of course.

• After posting about the ridiculous corporate like raises the mayor has been giving to his management team, he turns around and still screws the minions with dismal raises again this year. I think in a special note to the city employees on their Christmas paystub he wrote, “I don’t care.”

• The city continues the FREE condom distribution program at area bars, and for some reason Monk’s is always emptied the quickest. Coincidence that is also a favorite watering hole of city managers . . .

• The Tuthill shooting case becomes ‘inactive’ and a tree branch shadow gets off scott free.

• The Erp wrongfully calls out local massage therapists as prejudice because they pointed out the ‘shower massages’ that were taking place around town. Apparently someone got a bad fortune cookie that day.

• The car rental tax and BID tax grabby-grabby fails in Sioux Falls, but the state legislature passes one of the most idiotic tax increases ever so our teachers are now just tied for last instead of dead last in pay. Out hoodwinking governor already has plans to rob the pot only one year after its passage.

• Hartford’s city government was in a state of collapse. Who really cares?

• The Levitt Pavilion is moving forward in Sioux Falls. It will be nice watching outdoor concerts sitting in the grass while battery acid is boiling beneath our asses.

• The Boulevard ordinance changes went into effect. Now stop worrying about rocks and plant a garden.

• The Washington Pavilion got a change of leadership after Darrin Smith takes over as President. So far he has only eliminated one director, but I hear the blood-letting has just begun. Now let’s throw another couple of million at the place to fix the poor construction to begin with. That will never happen with the Events Center . . .

• The Events Center cracks down on outside snacks and guns at events. We are all now safe from cheap fat people shooting us, but not in the parking lot.

• The Pottie Room war starts in Pierre and is guaranteed to return in 2017.

• A state legislator calls transgender people ‘twisted’. Now I’m struggling with what word to use describing our state legislators?

• A city council candidate throws a hissy fit over a post I wrote about his wife’s involvement with the Jesus plows and after threats to my employer I pull the post. He ends up taking last place in the at-large race. How’s Jesus working out for you now?

• Due to health reasons, Kermit Staggers decides not to run for a 4th term on the city council. His endorsement of Stehly puts her over the top.

• One of the youngest candidates in city history runs for city council. I apologize to Briggs for all the shitty things I said about him during the campaign.

• The Argus Leader sues the city for the details in the secret events center siding settlement. The Argus loses the first round but it is headed to the SD Supreme Court.

• On a similar note, the SON neighborhood is also awaiting a judgement in their Walmart suit with the SD Supreme Court.

• While our Sioux Falls City Council approves the DAPL through Sioux Falls, it takes thousands of protesters in ND to actually stop it. Too bad our city council chair doesn’t understand how to vote.

• The Mayor and Q-Tip Smith screwup the DT parking ramp development by flapping their traps to soon, and the council later on in the year returns the favor and defunds the ramp all together for 2017. I still think the fiasco is what got Smith to seek refuge at the Pavilion.

• City officials throw a hissy-fit over Bruce’s camera at a city meeting we were invited to by then city councilor Kenny Anderson. Looking back on it now, I just chuckle.

• Former city councilor Dean Karsky and now commissioner elect has become the official endorser in Sioux Falls.

• Bruce and I do a presentation on voter turnout in Sioux Falls at Democratic Forum and one of the mayor’s buddy developers in Sioux Falls tries to shut us down. When he fails, he walks out. Another casualty to transparency.

I can’t wait to read the rebuttal letters on this ‘snark’

Loser_Trophy_Design_White-3_crop_340x234

How I love good satire, and Mr. Summers nails it. I have a feeling though that some Argus readers may not get the joke;

If your child really disappoints, consider more severe options like the “I Never Loved You” award, or the “Most Worthless Excuse For A Child” certificate. Harsh? Maybe. But nobody said winning was easy.

I have a feeling the rebuttal letters from the humor challenged are going to be more entertaining then this article itself.

Open Letter to the Mayor from Prominent Democrats in the State

Don’t ask me how I get these things sent to me, but there is a lot of ‘leakers’ in the state party that have big mouths, how else do you think I got the name of the new ED of the party a day before her ‘big announcement’?

The rumor swirling for several weeks is that the state Dems are fed up with the mayor calling himself a Democrat, when he truly isn’t one. Here are some excerpts from the letter (yet to be sent to Hizzoner);

“Trust us, this isn’t easy to tell you this, but when you recruit Republicans to run for city council and convince the former ED to raise money for them, when you garner most of your campaign donations from Republicans, when you ignore the rising crime rates, when you turn your back on the poor and the handicapped, and when you blatantly ignore the social ills going on in your city and state, you sir, are not a Democrat. Heck, I don’t think you are even a Republican, more of a corporatist that is more concerned about the decisions you make hurting or helping the wallets of your (Republican) friends and your own investments.

Either start acting like a Democrat (in actions, not just in words) or get the Hell out of our state party.”

The letter continues from there basically stating that South DaCola made this whole thing up, but hey, is it that far-fetched? I told several prominent state Dems already they need to apply the Lora Hubbel rule to Hizzoner and give him the boot. While I’m sure there has been some serious consideration, like most things the Dems do in this state (besides initiatives) they have a little trouble pulling the trigger. Maybe if we gave them a 5 foot branch in a grove of trees they could pull it off?

SFPD picks a specific officer to ‘thin the herd’ of deer in Sioux Falls.

2fawn

Hey little guys, you may have a fighting chance.

South DaCola News

By Samuel Coldsweat

The SFPD announced today that they have picked a specific officer to ‘thin the herd’ of deer in Sioux Falls.

“It just made sense to us that this officer needed a little target practice, and what a better way to get it, but to practice on some dumb animals running through the trees and snow?” says Police Chief Darth Cowbell.

Of course Cowbell was talking about Officer Antwon Dickle, who ironically got himself in a pickle in Butthill Park the day after New Years. Dickle shot 8(?) times at a suspect that he believed pointed a handgun at him in a dimly lit area.

“Handgun, I-Pod, Pringles can, slingshot, dildo, what have you, the officer acted on the threat, but we were disappointed he missed the target, so we figured he could practice in the field on real moving targets,” claims Cowbell.

We wondered about the safety of the neighborhood he is shooting in.

“We will have him doing this at night to get the feel of the Butthill incident, but we will also warn neighbors when he is in the area, because we highly suggest they board up windows and go out for dinner and a movie those nights.” warns Cowbell “Just don’t expect us to record his operations or tell you how many shots he has fired, or deer he has killed. The SFPD just doesn’t operate well when we are transparent about our actions and being scrutinized. Cloak of secrecy is the best way to roll.”

We wondered how much ammo Dickle would be given to accomplish eliminating 30 deer.

“We figured with his accuracy, it would take about 20 rounds per deer.” sighed Cowbell, “So we are warning the food banks in advance if they are serving the venison, that they caution consumers that they may bite into a little ‘shot’ . . uh . . . or NOT (chuckling). Yeah, we know we may have better luck jumping out of trees and clubbing the deers to death with pool cues, but I think Dickle is up for the challenge.”

Cowbell estimated it will probably take Dickle about 6 months to accomplish his goal, and at that time he will be awarded a merit badge and advance to Eagle Scout training.

THIS ARTICLE WAS SATIRE. BUT ON A SERIOUS NOTE, I AM WONDERING WHY THE SFPD IS EVEN DOING THIS? THE SD GF & P OFFICE HAS PROFESSIONAL STATE HUNTERS THAT USUALLY TAKE CARE OF THESE TASKS. THEY SHOULD BE RUNNING THE OPERATION, WITH THE SFPD IN TOW. STILL WONDERING WHY THE SFPD HAS HIGH POWERED RIFLES WITH SILENCERS IN THE FIRST PLACE? DON’T BE SURPRISED IF YOU SEE THEIR MILITARIZED VEHICLE ‘THE BEARCAT’ TEARING THROUGH YOUR YARD CHASING BAMBI.

Sioux Falls newest gigantic-triple-plex elementary school to be named after Super Homenn

homenn-con

In an amazing, yet deserving move, the naming committee for the new school that will replace Mark Twain will be named after the presiding Super Homenn.

When one of the committee members was asked what the heck they were thinking by throwing out 200 suggestions and naming the school after a sitting super, she responded, “Thinking? Who needs to think when Homenn makes all the decisions for you? Besides, most of the suggestions (given to us from the super’s office) were for Homenn, or at least Homenn Like.”

While the over 200 suggestions that were presented to the committee were shredded, South DaCola, was able to dumpster dive into the instructional center’s recycling bin and hire an illegal immigrant to piece the paper shreds together (Thanks Sharif, hope you enjoy the McDoubles).

While Sharif wasn’t able to piece the entire list together, I did find a recurring theme within the first few pages;

Homenn Elementary

Oprah Winfrey Elementary

P. Homenn Elementary

Equal Pay Elementary

Pam H. Elementary

Anis Nin Elementary

P.H.d. Elementary

Mimi Van Doren Elementary (a very famous SD woman)

Well you get the picture, it looks like the committee had no choice but to name the school after Homenn. After all, it really was Homenn’s school to begin with. She recommended the consolidation of schools, hired a realtor to buy up houses in the area before the school board even approved the consolidation, had the School Board rubber stamp her recommendation (even though several parents objected) kept the naming committee she appointed secret, and shredded the over 200 suggestions that were made to the committee.

I feel good about the name change, after all, it’s about time we name a school after a living legend, rather than a dead one. Remember, Homenn has been a true rebel since her inception, first by breaking district rules by living out of the school district (because of her precious horses), denying sick kids a graduation ceremony, blaming the Shopping News for an anti-abortion ad in a sanctioned school directory that the communications director approved. Hiring two of her daughters to work at SE Tech, claiming it wasn’t nepotism because she isn’t the BOSS of SE, just the BOSS’s Boss of SE. She kept her contract a secret until state law made her reveal it, giving herself lavish benefits while denying raises to subs. I could go on and on about the other ‘infamous’ actions of Homenn, but I think the sub title underneath the actual signage at the school will say it all,  “Well behaved women rarely make history.” And you can bet a Susan B. Anthony coin the community will embrace this name to.

*This was satire. No Susan B. Anthony coins or horses were damaged during the writing of this article.