SFPD picks a specific officer to ‘thin the herd’ of deer in Sioux Falls.

2fawn

Hey little guys, you may have a fighting chance.

South DaCola News

By Samuel Coldsweat

The SFPD announced today that they have picked a specific officer to ‘thin the herd’ of deer in Sioux Falls.

“It just made sense to us that this officer needed a little target practice, and what a better way to get it, but to practice on some dumb animals running through the trees and snow?” says Police Chief Darth Cowbell.

Of course Cowbell was talking about Officer Antwon Dickle, who ironically got himself in a pickle in Butthill Park the day after New Years. Dickle shot 8(?) times at a suspect that he believed pointed a handgun at him in a dimly lit area.

“Handgun, I-Pod, Pringles can, slingshot, dildo, what have you, the officer acted on the threat, but we were disappointed he missed the target, so we figured he could practice in the field on real moving targets,” claims Cowbell.

We wondered about the safety of the neighborhood he is shooting in.

“We will have him doing this at night to get the feel of the Butthill incident, but we will also warn neighbors when he is in the area, because we highly suggest they board up windows and go out for dinner and a movie those nights.” warns Cowbell “Just don’t expect us to record his operations or tell you how many shots he has fired, or deer he has killed. The SFPD just doesn’t operate well when we are transparent about our actions and being scrutinized. Cloak of secrecy is the best way to roll.”

We wondered how much ammo Dickle would be given to accomplish eliminating 30 deer.

“We figured with his accuracy, it would take about 20 rounds per deer.” sighed Cowbell, “So we are warning the food banks in advance if they are serving the venison, that they caution consumers that they may bite into a little ‘shot’ . . uh . . . or NOT (chuckling). Yeah, we know we may have better luck jumping out of trees and clubbing the deers to death with pool cues, but I think Dickle is up for the challenge.”

Cowbell estimated it will probably take Dickle about 6 months to accomplish his goal, and at that time he will be awarded a merit badge and advance to Eagle Scout training.

THIS ARTICLE WAS SATIRE. BUT ON A SERIOUS NOTE, I AM WONDERING WHY THE SFPD IS EVEN DOING THIS? THE SD GF & P OFFICE HAS PROFESSIONAL STATE HUNTERS THAT USUALLY TAKE CARE OF THESE TASKS. THEY SHOULD BE RUNNING THE OPERATION, WITH THE SFPD IN TOW. STILL WONDERING WHY THE SFPD HAS HIGH POWERED RIFLES WITH SILENCERS IN THE FIRST PLACE? DON’T BE SURPRISED IF YOU SEE THEIR MILITARIZED VEHICLE ‘THE BEARCAT’ TEARING THROUGH YOUR YARD CHASING BAMBI.



3 comments ↓

#1 grudznick on 01.21.15 at 11:13 pm

Mr. E, they should let some citizens have a chance at this.

#2 Dan Daily on 01.22.15 at 9:03 am

One thing for sure, SFPD are not marksmen. They should keep their pistols holstered and nobody should be issued a sniper rifle. I doubt the deer are a problem. Either contract state game hunters or give a few professional citizen game hunters this mission free from taxpayer expense. Either will be sure of the target and make sure there’s no mistakes.

#3 Rabbits & Deer on 01.22.15 at 9:48 am

Maybe he could be issued a pop gun to practice with, then issue a pellet gun to go after the mayor’s rabbit problem and then let him have his sub machine gun with silencer to get Bambi.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxFXM45s1gc