Entries Tagged 'Humor' ↓

Local Govt entities join forces to become ‘Sioux Falls OP-OUT’

For years, there has been a push for Minnehaha County and the City of Sioux Falls to join forces and become one. With this merger, they went even a step further. The City of Sioux Falls, the County and also the School District are now all one entity called ‘Sioux Falls OP-OUT’

County Treasurer Stan Neilson said, “So many people are confused about where their property taxes go, and with all these increases by all three entities, this will just make it easier to raise . . . uh . . . I mean ‘regulate’ your property taxes.”

So with this change I wondered if it would actually save taxpayers millions in employee salaries and benefits since a lot of the jobs could be combined.

“Highly unlikely,” said HR director for the city, Bud Da’Toole, “We are going to actually ADD more employees, mostly in management, because we will need a lot of middle managers to handle the transition, I also expect the the administrators to double in the education side of the deal.”

There was one bright spot in the whole transition though, and good news in the Parks and Rec department. Parks Director Dave Kornhole explains, “We figured since we are paying teachers a yearly salary anyway, they might as well work the entire year, so during the summer we will have teachers working in our parks mowing grass and during winter break we will have them plowing streets.”

I wondered if teachers would be qualified to plow the streets. Street director Kyle Skidmore said, “Like our current snowplow operators, if they don’t know how to use the snowgates properly, they’ll just skip a driveway or two.”

Some wondered who would be the administrator of this new unity. Would it be the mayor, the superintendent or the commission chair? Former county chair Sandy Highpants said that was an easy decision, “I’m in charge. I’m always in charge.”

We asked superintendent Bruce Mauler if he was aware of the new leadership decision. “Yeah, she may be ‘in charge’ but we all know who makes the decisions around this joint, behind closed doors of course.”

Mayor TwoSh*ts was unavailable for comment because he was busy with a SELFIE Shoot by a hat rack at Flying J Truckstop.

We also wondered what the legislative makeup would be. City council chair Marty Selless said that the first process would be asking any of the board members of each of the entities if they would want to resign. The only taker so far was Commissioner Jesse Farth who told Marty, “I’m outta here suckers!”

The second step of elimination would be done during a joint meeting with all three bodies. “Basically, whoever falls asleep during that meeting or is caught texting would be eliminated. We figured that should whittle us down to about 5 members” said Selless.

So there you have it, in the name of even higher property taxes, we have made government more efficient.

Mayor Paul wants you to stop making fun of Bikini Lady

I guess this is how our mayor spends his time, concerned that an elderly lady who is probably oblivious to her image being used for satire (I had to have someone tell me it was her). He really needs to concentrate on the mess in Whittier neighborhood instead. 

I will agree with some of the concerns that the artist should have maybe asked permission. She’s not hard to find, I know where she lives because I saw her one day mowing her lawn in a bikini.

I don’t think he was ‘making fun’ of her. The way he drew her took in consideration to not portray her in an unflattering way, and besides, I think anyone at that age who can powerwalk while reading a book is a superhero. I can barely chew gum and ride bike at the same time.

I also think that most acentric people are oblivious to the attention they receive, and probably don’t care. I’m guessing if she even knows about it, she would be happy some of the proceeds from the t-shirt sales is going towards charity.

Sometimes people automatically think that satire is only used to make people look bad or embarrass them, but sometimes, like in this image, it can be flattering. But for the record Paul, the satire twitter page about your selfies, WAS making fun of you, and it was LMFAO funny.

Here’s some fun facts, when the guy ran into Mr. Bendo, he was my neighbor at the time. Let’s just say that ‘drugs’ make you do stupid things. Also, Bikini lady has a male twin that I call ‘Biker Bill’ he can be seen riding around Sioux Falls usually just wearing jogging shorts. He has a permanent tan and bushy white hair.

Local TV station changes name to ‘DirectTVland’

In a daring attempt to bring back Direct TV coverage to a local TV station, the station has changed it’s name to ‘DirectTVland’.

“We have always been known as Stormland TV, but there is more to life than just storms and hospital advertising, so in attempt to entice Direct TV back, we felt it was the right thing to do,” said GM Kay Hosingjob.

We wondered why Direct TV decided to drop coverage.

Hosingjob simply answered, “Because they are jerks.”

We asked a competing TV station why they thought Direct TV dropped them.

“While they are chasing hospitals and storms we concentrate on what is important,” said GM Dave Phoodtruck with KFLY TV “like what small town makes the best sliders in South Dakota.”

Welcome to Opt-Out Falls!

Well, it was bound to happen, with ALL of our local government agencies in Sioux Falls going Bat Sh*t crazy over opt-outs, the name change is no surprise.

“I will admit I was a little surprised and kind of hurt when I found out the name change,” local philanthropist Lenny Spamford exclaimed, “I mean just how much does a no state income tax paying billionaire in SD have to give before he gets a town named after him?”

The governor, Donita Trump, didn’t seem too bothered by the change either, “I guess we kind of forced it on them, you know, by collecting over 30% of our sales tax revenue from the city and giving them nothing in return. It may not seem fair, well because it isn’t. I told you I would do things differently, and I’m delivering on that promise. Talk to you later, I have to get back to trucker hat shopping and hip-hop dance lessons.”

The latest to opt-out was the Minnerahrah County Commission today voting 6-0 for an opt-out (and 5 of them are Republicans! The shame!).

“The county, especially Sioux Falls has become the place to commit crimes, it’s like it’s trendy or something to drive from Freeman, or Menno or even Highmore to commit crimes in our county,” said county commissioner Gene Bart, “We really enjoy arresting people here and putting them in the endless cycle of the criminal justice system. Heck, just yesterday we arrested someone for looking at the Arc of Dreams the wrong way, on top of that we even put a guy away for trying to burn the newly sodded grass at the Levitt with a magnifying glass. Lawn crimes, just another mole we are trying to whack! Building collapses, not so much.”

Of course nothing gives the Sioux Falls School District more jollies than an opt-out. Superintendent Baron Von Maulher said, “We were getting such a kick out of it, I banned joke books from the IPC. Whenever I see anyone down and out around the offices, I just yell ‘OPT-OUT’ and the whole place breaks out in laughter. Of course, the finance department does get a little trepidation, because they have to ‘count’ (wink, wink) the votes. I always tell them they can do that with their hands tied behind their back and blindfolded. Worked in the school bond election.”

I asked Baron what the opt-out schedule looked like for the school district over the next 5-10 years.

“Well, since Pierre really doesn’t care how much we raise taxes, we figured we would push the envelope a bit,” Von Maulher replied, “We are going to try 6-12 opt-outs per year through the board, and if the people whine about having a choice, we will hold an election, but this time there will be only ONE super precinct, and it will be in my office.”

The city council is also infamous for raising property taxes. In fact, I don’t think a city council has voted down an increase in over 15 years.

City Council Vice Chair, and RS5 self-appointed leader, Ned Greitzert explained it like this, “When someone hands you lemons, you make lemonade, when the state hands us an opportunity to raise the tax rate, we make grenades, uh, I mean lemonade.”

Well, that would explain the potholes.

I asked him about all the other numerous increases in fees and taxes the city imposes on the citizens, and couldn’t they just take it a little easy?

“Funny you bring that up,” replied Greitzert, “The majority of the council, the ‘RS5’ as we like to call it, or the ‘He-Man Steely Hater’s Club’ is all about positivity and progressive measures to keep our city’s high level of quality of life at a maximum, that means if we are going to raise fees on water, sewer and other stuff, we have to keep that tradition of caring  and due diligence with property taxes. Wouldn’t it seem odd to you that your water bill went up last year but your property taxes didn’t? Where’s the consistency there? If you want inconsistency with taxes, just vote Steely for mayor. All she’ll do is bankrupt the city while giving taxpayers a break. The next thing you know, we will all be swimming in an outdoor pool in the middle of January.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell Ned that I didn’t know how to swim, especially under ice.

Some question why all the local entities have to constantly raise our tax rates when valuations have had record growth over the past 6 years?

Mayor TenBibleverses’ Chief of Staff took a stab at the question, “I call it the candy syndrome, something I kind of started when I worked for that last crook, I mean, mayor and quit ONLY after I was forced to write the largest TIF in city history for the Spamford Sports Complex,” said Jericho Speck, “We just started handing out TIFs, tax rebates, excusing tipping fees, ignored environmental laws, built millions in infrastructure for ice cream warehouses and just said, screw it, corporate welfare for whoever wants it. Don’t tell my pastor.”

I asked, “The Candy Syndrome?”

“Yeah,” Speck said “Whatever rich developer in town that needs a handout for NO reason at all, we just give it to them. No questions asked. No proof of economic impact. No proof of job growth, or even good paying jobs. We just make sure the request is signed and we approve it. The city clerk’s office handles petitions in a similar same way.”

I wondered if this haphazard way of giving tax cuts and tax incentives was driving up everyone else’s property taxes.

Speck responded, “What? Are you stupid? Does beer like foam collect at the bottom of Falls Park every Spring for the past 100 thousand years?! You certainly are the poster child for the large percentage of South Dakotans that don’t go to college. Ever think about taking up welding? There’s a program I could refer you to.”

I had more questions, but I had to get back to my call center job, my 8.5 minute break was over.

While this was satire, some of the sh*t is true, mostly everything but the fake names.

BREAKING: Tooth Fairy authorized Flat Siding installation on Events Center

Okay, it was a little hard getting a hold of the Tooth Fairy, with her busy schedule and all, but she was able to have a short interview with me about her roll in ‘Siding Gate’ and who actually authorized the flat panel installation.

ME: Sorry to interrupt your busy schedule  . . .

TF: No problem Detroit, I needed a break anyway. I’m in the middle of editing the Book of Mormon right now, and it’s a stickler.

ME: So tell me how you got involved with authorizing the flat siding on the EC.

TF: See, whenever Mayor Huether needs someone to sign off on something controversial he has a group of us in rotation to pick from, and it was my turn, unfortunately.

ME: A group of you?

TF: Yeah, it’s Me, Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny, Mickey Mouse and of course Mark Cotter.

ME: That explains why Mark signed off on the TIF Mayor Huether’s wife got for an apartment project she invested in.

TF: Exactly!

ME: Why did the Mayor consider the flat panels controversial?

TF: You are kidding me? Right?

ME: Uh, No.

TF: See, he had his panties in a bunch about getting the Premier Center done on time and under budget because SMG had this ‘grand’ idea to book acts before they even had the toilets installed, so to cut corners they decided to ditch pre-curved panels for flat ones, saving the city oodles of time and money. You know, it’s all about the present with Mike, that whole doing important things with the day God gave you.

ME: Didn’t he know this would bite him in the butt eventually?

TF: Of course he did, that’s why he had city attorney Fiddle-Faddle draw up a secret settlement and me sign off on the panels. All in a day’s work, I guess, until the SD Supreme Court had to meddle with it.

ME: Well, thanks for clearing that up. BTW, is there any other projects he had you sign off on we should know about?

TF: Not that I can think of. Santa handled the Administration Building and I think the Easter Bunny was involved with the DT Parking Ramp.

ME: What about the Quit Claim Deed on Spellerberg Park?

TF: Uh . . . gotta go . . . the Mormons are calling.

This is satire. The Tooth Fairy does not exist and is a fictional character. Unfortunately the flat panels do exist and look like crap.

Huether dedicates city snowplow to Potsdam Mayor

Well, he did make water into wine . . .

Our traffic engineer hard at work

KELO-TV screenshot

I bet his desk is clean! Good thing we are building a $25 million dollar administration building so our city directors have room to stretch out!

Clint Eastwood announces DSU donation

That was nice of Mr. Eastwood to make it to little old South Dakota to announce such a big deal, Sanford putting his name on another building.

Sioux Falls Mayor proposes city flag design

The City of Sioux Falls ‘OFFICIAL’ Flag?

I’m sure you have seen it around town, especially hanging from downtown businesses store fronts, the tri-colored ‘unofficial’ flag of Sioux Falls. The city council and Mayor’s office has been pressured several times to make the flag the ‘official’ flag of the city, with NO luck.

The group pushing for the design had essentially gave up and just started selling the flag as the ‘unofficial’ flag of Sioux Falls.

Mayor Huether realizing there really hasn’t been a resolution on the issue put his staff at central and media services to work to come up with an ‘official design’. After they compiled about 10 different designs he shared it with directors, family and close friends.

This was ultimately the design the Mayor picked. It still has to go through city council approval.

Mayor Huether had this say about the new design.

“I think it reflects the passive, plain, artistic ignorance of the ruling class in our city while also representing the bare bones uneventful lives of the working class of our city. I have NO doubt our city council will pass this POSITIVE design, and if they don’t, I will just veto their NO votes. I think I can do that.”

The mayor has promised to get things done his last year in office, and here is yet another example of his leadership and vision if only this article wasn’t a big joke.

Garth Brooks buys Events Center

It really came down to Mr. Brooks running the numbers, according to his management,

“Hey, make no mistake, we were going to make an a**load of money from doing our 27 shows in Sioux Falls. We even had to charter a private jet to haul all of the cash OUT OF SIOUX FALLS. We just figured it would be more economical for us to buy the Events Center.”

While most of the year Brooks shows will be booked at the EC, think Celine Dion, Vegas Show, they will do other shows, like monster trucks and rodeos, but they will also do country, country and country shows.

While Brooks won’t live in Sioux Falls permanently, he did purchase a very nice residence on the South Side.

“Garth got a Hell of a deal on a home by the Walmart on 85th and Minnesota. He loved how the Walmart sign illuminated his driveway at night.”

We asked what Brooks would do about the bent up siding on the EC. Management had a positive twist on that.

Besides getting a $1 million dollar discount on the purchase price due to the whacked siding job, it was actually a selling point.

“Garth liked how it looked like an old grain bin. Actually we will be adding fake rust streaks and a big auger. We are also going to change the landscaping to a field of corn around the EC.”

We wondered if the secret siding settlement was disclosed during the negotiations.

“Yeah, we saw it, but we won’t be releasing it to the public, they would crap their pants.”

We wondered if City Hall had any comments about the sale, and the mayor released this statement.

“This is a darn good deal for the good folks of Sioux Falls. Not only will we be able to pay off the bonds early on the Events Center, we will still have a great entertainment facility that was pretty much built for country shows anyway. And I will never have to answer questions about the siding anymore.”

We asked if there would be any major changes with Brooks management running the facility.

Besides the bars now will only serve Jack Daniels and Coors Light, all shows will be $75. Whether that is a Brooks show, a rodeo or a State ‘A’ tournament.

We asked if Garth himself had anything to say about the purchase. He did,

“Sorry Denny, there’s a new Sheriff in town.”

A bronze of Brooks is already being minted for the campus of the new Brooks Events Center.