Due to the Great Bear season being like 3 or 4 days this year, the city feels guilty so they decided to open all the outdoor pools next week.

Some may think it is to cold, but Secondary Shift Eastside Assistant Parks and Culture director, (SSEAPC) Taylor Tuna, with the parks department says this;

“Cold water therapy is really trending right now, so like pickleball, refrigerated ice rinks and E-Bikes, we like to do the latest trending baloney people are into.”

But not all of the water will be cold, they also plan to heat the lazy river at Drake Springs with E-Bike battery fires.

Director Tuna says, “Instead of wasting fire department resources to put out these fires, we are just transferring those fires to the pool’s heating unit. Even a stable genius can figure that out.”

The Parks Department is considering closing Great Bear as a ski resort and making it a natural space. We asked what they would do with the chair lift?

“We are considering installing it above Falls Park, and when it is really humid after an August rain, we are going to implement a goose manure slide from the Steel District all the way to the overlook tower. Tuna replies, “That stuff is slicker then cooking oil after a good rain.”

So get out the swim trunks and puffy coats! Summer begins in Sioux Falls next week!

This was satire. I think.

A couple that recently moved here from Transylvania via California (long story) has come up with an interesting Fast Mexican concept; Zombies and Tacos.

“My wife and I just decided that getting served at most fast casual restaurants in town is like being waited on by Zombies, so we just decided, why not just make it the theme of the restaurant,” says co-owner Victor Count.

Victor does warn you, most orders take between 2 hours to 2 days. “We have one customer that orders his Wednesday lunch on Monday afternoons. He is pretty happy, usually gets it by Friday!”

We wondered how hard it may be to find good zombie (actors) these days to work in the Count’s establishment.

“You know. Not as hard as you may think. Sylvia and I drove around to the different fast food places a day before training started and we were able to round up a full staff within a couple of hours. The trick was catching new recruits by the dumpsters smoking weed . . . those are the real foot draggers!”

Victor did inform me that they also have a pretty good supply of Narcan on hand for employees and customers. “Some places carry Dental and Vision, we carry fricking life support!”

The Counts also plan to be open 24 hours like that ‘other’ Mexican(?) food joint and unlike them, you don’t have to worry about being shot in the drive thru or parking lot.

“Not only is our location well lit we don’t have a lot of people trying to rob us at gun point when our employees are already dead. During the last robbery attempt the perp served half his prison sentence before the manager could even open the safe.”

UPDATE: I was having a serious discussion today about this topic and one city official recommended to me that the council should pass an ordinance that requires ‘interim’ directors to be replaced within 6 months. I suggested we go a step further and require an ethics clause in their employment contracts that they have an outgoing interview with city council in executive session telling them exactly why they either were terminated by the mayor or decided to resign on their own. Taxpayers have invested millions in salaries and programming for these directors and at the very least they can tell us why decided the city of Sioux Falls was NOT the right fit for them. The public deserves the right to know why after a couple of years and this kind of investment they decided to leave. Of course we KNOW the short answer, but for once it would be nice to get the long answer . . . you know . . . that whole open government thingy the Sioux Falls City Hall seems to be immune to.

Some have been wondering if it is just pure coincidence or if city hall has been purposely hiring directors that are not qualified for the position, like the new health director coming from finance.

The administration has admitted they were slow to tell the public about the new initiative but they wanted to wait until they had more positions to announce;

The city is proud to announce that Todd T. Bradd, a former diesel mechanic, will be running the marketing and communications department for the city. Bradd said about the appointment, “I mean it’s one thing to keep a big rig running it can’t be too tough to keep a copier going.” When we inquired about his experience with press releases, etc., Bradd replied, “Not much, but I’m not sure there is anyone left in this town to send them to anyway. Do you have Tid-Bits email?”

Big changes are coming to the city dump. Retired part-time florist, Gladys Anderson-Johnson will be running the facility moving forward. Gladys remarked, “I just think the place could use some freshening up.” Anderson-Johnson says she has big plans to start a community garden, walking trails and eventually an indoor pool at the dump, “Since our current indoor pool is such a dump I figured why not just build an indoor pool at the dump and no one will notice. Who can beat an indoor pool heated by methane and wood chips!”

And just when you thought the changes were minimal comes Ms. Pessky. Ms. Patricia Pessky taught 5th grade social studies for 77 years in the school district now she will run the street department. Pessky gleefully exclaimed about her appointment, “I remember when it used to take 36 days to clean up after a snow event in Sioux Falls, of course, that was when the churches would gather up volunteers to scoop out the town and make it into a real Christian learning experience. I think that is what is missing in our street department, some good old fashioned Jesus. We were the original Jesus Snowplows!” Pessky proudly displays a bumpersticker on her Ford Focus that says; WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ 1ST AMENDMENT!

The Parks Department’s newest director may lack experience but her brilliant smile and go get em’ attitude will move the department in the right direction. Jordan Taylor-Hannah Spirit Smith will take the helm of one of the largest parks department in the country. Overwhelmed by the appointment all Smith had to say was, “I love flowers, especially when butterflies land on them.” Then she texted her manager at Starbucks her two week notice.

In their final announcement, big changes at the Public Works department, Cuddy McCalister, former volunteer honey-do-handyman for the widowers at his church will be offering his talents to run the city’s largest department. “You know, I retired in 87′ after a long career in pork bellies and lead paint awareness and I just thought it was time to give back, and they are paying me in kolaches and kuchen so not much different then my current employment.”

The South Dakota Border Iowa casino will be offering sports bets on how long these new directors last.

*Correction, Ms. Pessky taught for 87 years NOT 77. We apologize for the error.