Entries Tagged 'Humor' ↓

AG Rumblestrips resigns post to run the Wild Bill Driving School

Who says there isn’t a silver lining to every story?

While the pressure was put on by law enforcement officials, the governor and the legislature for Lil’ Janks Rumblestrips to resign as Attorney General it seems he decided to leave because of a great opportunity.

“Well, yeah, you know, yeah.” said Rumblestrips, “Yeah, they were considering me after I managed to only get a $500 fine after plowing over a man in a ditch after I was reading right-winger conspiracy theory websites on my phone. But what really convinced them was my $178 speeding ticket for going over 22 MPH a couple of days before my hearing.”

Board President of the driving school, Narc Podias, said, “It is one thing to deny you see a person go through your windshield, but to be speeding 20 miles over the speed limit just days from your hearing, that takes some serious balls, lack of brain cells or both!”

He of course has a different version of the story, “I’ll tell you what I told the officer, I didn’t see the speedometer or the speed limit sign, or the road for that matter, but was able to read some great tweets from Josh Hawley on my phone.”

Narc continues, “What makes him such a great candidate is as a high ranking Republican official in our state and the previous top law enforcement official, he is perfectly suited for teaching students how to drive like Bill drove, and how to bullsh!t your way out of it.”

Some of the courses include;

I thought it was a deer (that’s what she said)

Stop Signs? We don’t need no Stinkin’ Stop Signs

Blame the Diet Coke

It’s okay to speed as long as you pay your fines

Only agree to a breathalizer 15 hours after the incident

How to borrow a Sheriff’s car (when yours is totaled)

How to take the ‘R’ out of Murder

Play dumb

While Rumblestrips likely won’t be missed by our Governor and others in law enforcement, he will be a welcome addition to the Wild Bill Janklow Driving School team.

Blame it on the Diet Coke

Is KELO News writing parodies now?

When I have written parodies in the past, I have been warned by friends to be careful how I label them so people know for sure that it is a parody. I didn’t find a disclaimer on their latest article;

For dealing with such unprecedented problems all at once, Mayor Paul TenHaken is KELO.com News’ “Person of the Year for 2020.”

Boy, nothing like a good laugh right away in the morning. I am curious who with the news team at KELO decided this was a good choice (names please) and who were Paul’s competitors? Not sure, but they tell us why he was named (by unnamed folks) beating out (unnamed) competitors;

Sioux Falls mayors had faced civil unrest before. Sioux Falls mayors had faced great economic uncertainty. And Sioux Falls mayors had faced a pandemic. But none of them faced all three difficult situations at the same time in the same year. Under his watch, Mayor TenHaken navigated the city through the politics of the coronavirus, which also caused a bump in the city’s usually robust economy. And he had to quell a property damaging riot that sprang from a peaceful rally in response to the murder of George Floyd in Minneapolis.

First, I will state the obvious, you know I would not agree, but secondly, It kind of sounds like issues he should be dealing with as part of a job HE wanted. Notice they never mention the several times he said he was ‘sick of it’ and ‘didn’t sign up this’. Strangely they left that out of their nomination.

But let’s break down what they said;

Economy. I may sound old fashioned but the mayor’s job, per the charter, is to be the City Manager. He basically runs the day to day operations of the city and manages the city employees. That’s all he does (or should I say his Chief of Staff). He has very little control over the overall private economy of the city. Mind you, he could have had a major impact, he could have found an early strategy to make sure places like the packing plant and nursing homes were operating safely. He did not, which brings us to the next item.

Covid. Sure, Paul has taken some measures over the past couple of months with pressure from business owners, citizens, medical professionals and the city council but it was too late. For the first 6-7 months this was raging in Sioux Falls he hid under his desk and took the Noem/Trump view of the virus, if we just ignore it, it will go away. While he has lead better then Noem, that leadership surely wasn’t trophy worthy.

Civil unrest. During the riot(?) at the mall (where some middle schoolers were throwing rocks) Paul was in a bunker somewhere in a city building watching it play out on a large screen TV. While I am glad that this incident did not result in massive property damage and injuries or death, I’m not sure having the National Guard on your speed dial makes you a champion of quelling civil unrest. I was in the march earlier in the day, and later watched livestreamed on FB. It was peaceful, all over town. The lights went down and some latch key kids got bored and made a rather peaceful protest look bad. If anyone should be commended it should be the people who stood in front of the officers to protect them from rocks.

Has Paul done some good things? Sure, his administration has pushed for treating the city employees better (part of his job) and he has been a big public advocate for mentorship and health and wellbeing. But I’m sure the above mentioned stuff was a bit of a stretch.

The thing that concerns me the most about Paul and his supposed leadership is his blatant disregard for open and transparent government and his efforts in the dark rooms at city hall to totally dismantle what little is left. Is it some kind of a sick joke that the media would pick someone for this honor that HATES open government? I’m not laughing anymore.

AG Ravnsborg was reaching for the Holy Grail when he hit and killed pedestrian

After we found out yesterday that Jason was actually driving in the shoulder of the road (almost in the ditch) when he hit Mr. Boever, we were quickly told he was distracted by something, but no one can say what. Speculation is he may have fallen asleep, could have been speeding and lost control, or even worse texting and driving. Some have argued that NOT all distracted driving is the fault of the driver and could be considered an unfortunate accident. The right wing spin machine (which has been famous at protecting Republican office holders who don’t seem to have regard for traffic laws) have been arguing that maybe Jason’s distraction wasn’t his fault.

Highway Patrol Officer, Donald Killsadeer said there are some distinct possibilities, “Once we had a Republican legislator from out in the NW part of the state that had to swerve off the road due to a group of leprechauns crossing the road. We never found them, but he’s a Republican legislator, so we took his word for it.”

Those that are close to Ravnsborg are telling us that after he left the Lincoln Day Dinner that night that before he got to Highmore he saw a bright light in the road and stopped. Right there in the center of the road was an angel holding the Holy Grail. The angel told Jason to take it to Pierre and give it to Noem.

Close friend, Clyde Smorgesborg told us, “Jason didn’t want to leave it out of his site, so he placed it on the dashboard. While he was rounding the turn in Highmore the Grail fell to the floor, as Jason was reaching to grab it he went off the road and hit Boever.”

Hmm, seems plausible, but we were suspicious of one thing about Jason’s alibi. Why was he bringing the Holy Grail to Noem?

Smorgesborg explains, “Oh, that’s easy, Jesus Christ sent it down from Heaven to give to Noem to protect her on the campaign trail for Donald Trump. There’s a lot of crazies out there, and they all seem to gather at Trump rallies.”

So it looks like Jason (like most Republicans in our state) has Jesus on his side.

Case closed.

Sioux Falls City Councilor Greg Neitzert’s ‘findings of fact’ hearing

It will be at 6 PM on Monday (Sep 28)

Do Lifeguards, Librarians and City Directors have vulnerable immune systems?

In a recent national medical study funded by a local government agency they found some startling results; public employees who work as librarians, lifeguards, city directors and managers have very poor immune systems. So poor, the common cold could knock they out for months, even have life-threatening results.

Dr. Bowlshyt who assisted with the study said, “We kept wondering why everyone else in the private sector was going back to work, and managing Covid infections just fine except this group of the workforce. Heck even firefighters, public works employees and police were having low cases.”

For a long time here in our own city and across the country there seemed to be a reluctance to open public libraries, swimming pools and local government offices, now we know why.

“Some have argued that this group may be arrogant, or paranoid for not going back to work like everyone else, like they are some special class of people. But that may not be the case,” continued Dr. Bowlshyt, “While we did find a high level of anxiety and paranoia with this group, we chalked it up to being public employees. But what we found in our medical study is that not only do some of them lack a backbone (said in a sarcastic tone) but they virtually have NO immune system either.”

This may explain why our city and many other cities refuse to send these people back to work. They may have had this medical data all along.

Economist Darrell Dewnuthin also weighed in on the economic side of paying these people while they ‘Joe Biden’ it in their basements, “Well, in reality, does this sector of people really work anyway? Have we noticed any change to the functionality of our cities while this sector of people have been absent? None to report. Cities have actually been saving money because they don’t have these facilities open.”

The only difference is that the taxpayers are still paying the wages and benefits associated with this group of people while they essentially ‘work’ from home. But it’s kind of hard to check out a book, swim in a pool or get a building permit from places that are closed. So what really have they been working on the past several months?

Local citizen advocate Pam Tanga thinks she knows the answer to that question, “What they have been doing before Covid hit. NOT MUCH!”

Looting Free Zones (Found on FB)

Local Govt entities join forces to become ‘Sioux Falls OP-OUT’

For years, there has been a push for Minnehaha County and the City of Sioux Falls to join forces and become one. With this merger, they went even a step further. The City of Sioux Falls, the County and also the School District are now all one entity called ‘Sioux Falls OP-OUT’

County Treasurer Stan Neilson said, “So many people are confused about where their property taxes go, and with all these increases by all three entities, this will just make it easier to raise . . . uh . . . I mean ‘regulate’ your property taxes.”

So with this change I wondered if it would actually save taxpayers millions in employee salaries and benefits since a lot of the jobs could be combined.

“Highly unlikely,” said HR director for the city, Bud Da’Toole, “We are going to actually ADD more employees, mostly in management, because we will need a lot of middle managers to handle the transition, I also expect the the administrators to double in the education side of the deal.”

There was one bright spot in the whole transition though, and good news in the Parks and Rec department. Parks Director Dave Kornhole explains, “We figured since we are paying teachers a yearly salary anyway, they might as well work the entire year, so during the summer we will have teachers working in our parks mowing grass and during winter break we will have them plowing streets.”

I wondered if teachers would be qualified to plow the streets. Street director Kyle Skidmore said, “Like our current snowplow operators, if they don’t know how to use the snowgates properly, they’ll just skip a driveway or two.”

Some wondered who would be the administrator of this new unity. Would it be the mayor, the superintendent or the commission chair? Former county chair Sandy Highpants said that was an easy decision, “I’m in charge. I’m always in charge.”

We asked superintendent Bruce Mauler if he was aware of the new leadership decision. “Yeah, she may be ‘in charge’ but we all know who makes the decisions around this joint, behind closed doors of course.”

Mayor TwoSh*ts was unavailable for comment because he was busy with a SELFIE Shoot by a hat rack at Flying J Truckstop.

We also wondered what the legislative makeup would be. City council chair Marty Selless said that the first process would be asking any of the board members of each of the entities if they would want to resign. The only taker so far was Commissioner Jesse Farth who told Marty, “I’m outta here suckers!”

The second step of elimination would be done during a joint meeting with all three bodies. “Basically, whoever falls asleep during that meeting or is caught texting would be eliminated. We figured that should whittle us down to about 5 members” said Selless.

So there you have it, in the name of even higher property taxes, we have made government more efficient.

Mayor Paul wants you to stop making fun of Bikini Lady

I guess this is how our mayor spends his time, concerned that an elderly lady who is probably oblivious to her image being used for satire (I had to have someone tell me it was her). He really needs to concentrate on the mess in Whittier neighborhood instead. 

I will agree with some of the concerns that the artist should have maybe asked permission. She’s not hard to find, I know where she lives because I saw her one day mowing her lawn in a bikini.

I don’t think he was ‘making fun’ of her. The way he drew her took in consideration to not portray her in an unflattering way, and besides, I think anyone at that age who can powerwalk while reading a book is a superhero. I can barely chew gum and ride bike at the same time.

I also think that most acentric people are oblivious to the attention they receive, and probably don’t care. I’m guessing if she even knows about it, she would be happy some of the proceeds from the t-shirt sales is going towards charity.

Sometimes people automatically think that satire is only used to make people look bad or embarrass them, but sometimes, like in this image, it can be flattering. But for the record Paul, the satire twitter page about your selfies, WAS making fun of you, and it was LMFAO funny.

Here’s some fun facts, when the guy ran into Mr. Bendo, he was my neighbor at the time. Let’s just say that ‘drugs’ make you do stupid things. Also, Bikini lady has a male twin that I call ‘Biker Bill’ he can be seen riding around Sioux Falls usually just wearing jogging shorts. He has a permanent tan and bushy white hair.

Local TV station changes name to ‘DirectTVland’

In a daring attempt to bring back Direct TV coverage to a local TV station, the station has changed it’s name to ‘DirectTVland’.

“We have always been known as Stormland TV, but there is more to life than just storms and hospital advertising, so in attempt to entice Direct TV back, we felt it was the right thing to do,” said GM Kay Hosingjob.

We wondered why Direct TV decided to drop coverage.

Hosingjob simply answered, “Because they are jerks.”

We asked a competing TV station why they thought Direct TV dropped them.

“While they are chasing hospitals and storms we concentrate on what is important,” said GM Dave Phoodtruck with KFLY TV “like what small town makes the best sliders in South Dakota.”