The Ugly Table #63-64

by

I.D. Please

As she was trying to find her license her birth control pills flew out of her purse onto the table. Her face turned red and she smiled at me.

And I said, “Proper ID please.”

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 2/24/12

I could write a book to . . .

$54 dollar tab

$45 coupon

$9 on credit card

$3 cash tip

I asked the table if there was something wrong with my service. And one of the gentlemen said, “No. But I appreciate your honesty. You are proud of the service you give.”

Then as I turn the corner walking away he says to the rest of the table, “I told you I could write a book about this place.”

In which I almost turned around and said, “And I could write a book about the cheap unappreciative people that I have to wait on, like yourself, but instead I just think I will make you the subject of another entry of The Ugly Table.

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 2/24/12

 

Posted in: Poetry, The Ugly Table

9 Thoughts on “The Ugly Table #63-64”

  1. Helga on February 25, 2012 at 12:41 am said:

    Hide those pills from Hunt and his alter ego Santorum.

  3. Muqhtar on February 25, 2012 at 9:50 am said:

    I once knew of a guy who went to buy cigarettes and didn’t have ID. He opened his backpack, removed a double-barreled bong, placed it on the counter and said “You know man, I don’t have no ID man but you gotta be 18 to get one of these.” The clerk said that he still needed some kind of photo ID.

  4. Beer Jew on February 25, 2012 at 6:19 pm said:

    Correct me if I am wrong, the proper protocol with a gift card is to leave tip that is proportionate to the total bill, isn’t it?

    For instance:

    $50 total bill
    $25 gift card
    $7.50 tip at 15% (more if you desire–rounded here for the sake of arithmetic).
    I just tipped a guy at BWW an extra $5 because his first name is spelled exactly as mine, so he knows the “agony” of everyone misspelling his name all of his life.
    I hope he appreciated the levity and the extra bread.

  5. l3wis on February 26, 2012 at 12:14 am said:

    Exactly. You tip on the bill not on the discount. But people do it all the time. I think these people thot $3 was a good tip because the bill was only $11. Funny though how I had to dig it out folded over several times under the bread board. It is one thing to be cheap, but as I always say, do it to my face.

    I had some hicks from Montana today who told my floor manager that I acted like Pee Wee Herman. I almost went to the table and asked them, “Pee Wee’s playhouse Pee Wee or Porno theatre Pee Wee?” Either way I took it as a compliment.

    I also had a funny experience tonight. These two couples came in and were sat at my table and the guy introduced himself like he knew me. And I said, “Do I know you and he said, “No but I’m a fan of your site and read it daily. Then he said, I hope you waiting on us doesn’t become the topic of an Ugly Table?”

  6. Keytag on February 26, 2012 at 9:36 pm said:

    So where do you work? I wan’t to be on my best behavior if I eat there and am lucky enough to be seated in your section.

  7. l3wis on February 27, 2012 at 11:37 am said:

    I don’t usually tell people, but I will say this. Do you like free bread?

  9. l3wis on February 27, 2012 at 11:32 pm said:

    There has been rumors this is photoshopped. BUT, I will say this, I get stiffed at least twice a week. And not on $15 dollar tabs, but on like $50-60 tabs. These people usually wait until you are in the kitchen, then run. Don’t care, I would hate to live their miserable lives. I have been trying to be more positive about customers. And I have noticed my tips are better, but more importantly, I get really wonderful compliments from people when I am positive. I think the best thing I heard the other day from a guy was this, “You really know your shit.” in reference to the menu. Then he said, “That’s cool.”

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