Entries Tagged 'The Ugly Table' ↓

Ugly Table #75

Ugly Table #74

F’k off Democrats

Me: I think I know your dad, great guy.

Customer 1: Thanks

Customer 2 (across the table from customer one): It’s too bad he is a Democrat (in a snotty voice)

Me: What’s wrong with that? (Then I walked away.)

Customer 2 (under her breath): F’ck Off.

Scott L. Ehrisman (c) 1/11/2013

Ugly Table #73

The Round Up Tip

The round up tip is usually not good, but this guy must only figure out his checkbook in increments of $50.

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 1/2/13

Ugly Table #72

Hostess (without) the Mostess

Customer: “I’m glad to see you are in a good mood. The hostess who sat us was not.”

Me: She is never in a good mood. I nicknamed her, “FREE Appetizer.”

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 11/16/12


Ugly Table #71


Customer: I can’t cut thru this steak.

ME: Maybe you have a dull knife?

C: No, it is really tough.

I take the offending steak back to the grill chef . . .

ME: Customer is saying they can’t cut thru this steak.

After closer inspection by the chef he says,

“Does he realize this is a T-Bone and there is a bone down the center of the steak that apparently he is trying to cut thru by these apparent steak knife marks.”

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 10/14/12

Ugly Table #70


(Overheard by the host stand)

Four elderly patrons approach the host stand and make a request,

“Can we get a table as closest to the bathroom as possible?”

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 9/2/12

Ugly Table #69


Yes, someone at work decided that putting an empty milk carton into a very tiny paper receptacle was a good idea.

Remember, The Ugly Table is almost 90% customers, and 10% co-workers.

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 8/25/12


Ugly Table #68

What are you? Three years old?

Customer: I will take a salad, only iceberg, dressing on the side.

Me: Only iceberg? Nothing else?

Customer: Yes.

I bring an iceberg wedge slice to his table (this is how our iceberg salads are served).

Customer: Well, you could have cut it up for me.

Me: Sir, in that rolled-up napkin you will find a knife and fork.

And I walked away.

I wanted to say, “Do you need me to cut up your steak for you in little itzy-bitzy bite size pieces to? Maybe we can run your sweet potato thru a blender? Do you need a high chair and a bib?”

Grow up.

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 8/17/12

Ugly Table advice

This school stumbled across my ‘Ugly Table’ prose and sent me this handy guide on tipping;

Ugly Table #67


A customer (bragged) pointed out to me that she was tipping me with a two-dollar bill (On a $30 tab).

I said ‘Thanks.’ in the most melancholy voice I could muster.

I wanted to say,

“You know what a two-dollar bill is worth?”

“Two dollars!!!!!!”

I wonder if she tips a silver dollar for $15 tabs?

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 6/27/12