After bribing one of HenTaken’s campaign goons with a (fake) autographed picture of Reagan standing next to John Wayne I was given access to Poops future text messages to his followers. Here is a sampling;
‘Village on the River was my fault . . . just kidding.’
‘I was put on laundry duty tonight. Yes, Dutchmen can fold . . . Benjamins!’
‘I will fire another city director today. Big reveal tomorrow!’
‘I have a tramp stamp . . . BLESSED.’
‘Erica has been running the city the past 3 1/2 years. My bad.’
‘Marshall just told me the secret of his success. I forget.’
‘Good luck getting Werther’s candy at HyVee on Minnesota. SOLD OUT!’
‘I will be talking to a random minority group on Thursday. SELFIE MANIA!’
‘COVID is sooooo 2021!’
‘Pinball rocks! The Bonus Round room at StartUp Sioux Falls will pay the yearly rent.’
‘Pride Sioux Falls asked me again to read a proclamation. I feel a family camping trip coming on.’
This is just a sampling of the text messages supporters will receive over the next couple of weeks. Share yours!
In the First Annual DTSF Dog Turd Battle there was a winner announced today . . . and it will surprise you.
“We just saw so much success with the burger battle and the equal success of the new dog park downtown that we decided to add a new competition,” said Communications Director Lady Swirly, “and surprisingly the criteria is very similar to the burger battle.”
The dog waste was judged on;
• Weight
• Girth (diameter)
• Unique Shape
• Overall artistry and composition
Swirly said at first they were going to limit it to just the new dog park, but they decided there were so many other popular places downtown for dogs to take (leave) a dump they opened it up.
“Besides the dog park, Falls Park and the lawn at city hall are actually very popular places for Fido to flop a number two,” said Swirly, “Our winner’s entry comes from the city hall location.”
While most would think weight would be the biggest contributing factor, the winner came out on top of the steaming heap because of the overwhelming votes on artistry and girth.
Some have wondered how they could determine the feces of the winner. Simple, a DNA test of the best entries were matched with veterinarian records.
The winner was a Jack Russell terrier named Nerdy who dropped a perfect sphere with the coloration similar to Jupiter complete with a big red spot.
The owners of Nerdy who live in a condo downtown said they can only assume Nerdy’s unique poo comes from them feeding him leftovers of take home burger battle entries that they couldn’t finish.
Owner Penelope Klurpy said, “My husband and tried so hard to eat every burger battle entry that it just got overwhelming and we let Nerdy splurge, apparently it encouraged him to turn his lower intestine into a canvas.”
And indeed he did!
Second place went to a male pitbull-bischon cross named Denny who dropped an 11 pounder in the shape of a skateboard.
Some have wondered how the entries were considered, Swirly explained that since the interns at DTSF don’t have much to do except wander around Zandbroz or stand in line for an omelet at Josiahs they were recruited to hunt down interesting deuces.
Recently Sioux Falls patrol officer Paul Whitechurch got the idea to join a national food delivery company for a side hustle after seeing one of his fellow officers with such a positive experience that took over social media in Sioux Falls.
“I just thought after sitting in my patrol car all day at the skate park it would be a nice change to actually work in a moving car.†said officer Whitechurch “While police work is certainly very fulfilling, what attracted me to this side hustle is the pleasure of delivering fast food to lazy bastards who are willing to pay $10 bucks for me to deliver food from a restaurant a 3 blocks away.â€
Whitechurch was surprised that after only a week on the job that the corporate office informed him that he was terminated.
We contacted the office to see if we could figure out why he was terminated so quickly? They sent us a statement;
‘While we try not to talk about why our independent contractors are terminated, we feel Whitechurch broke so many rules we needed to share. His delivery response times were about 3 to 4 times slower than our Sioux Falls average and sometimes he would bring 4-6 friends to assist him with the delivery. He was also caught eating the food he was supposed to deliver and even if he made it in good time, he never wore a mask when in contact with customers. That may fly at his day job, but at our business we take our protocols seriously and they must be followed.’
While 70% of South Dakota voters approved Medical Marijuana in November of 2020 and the state has worked for over a year to implement rules statewide along with local jurisdictions it hasn’t stopped some legislators from trying to limit it more.
“Initiatives? What are those?†asked Rep Jon Hansjob
I explained to him that petitioners travel across the state to gather thousands of voters signatures just to hopefully have the opportunity to put their initiative on the ballot and if it is able to receive the majority of votes from even thousands more of constituents it becomes law.
Hansjob responded, “What are constituents?â€
After another long explanation to him, he replies, “The only laws that count are written by God and the SD GOP Legislative delegation . . . oh, and ALEC.â€
I realized I was getting nowhere with Rep Hansjob as he begin to mutter something about bathrooms and started chasing some teenager in a rainbow colored wig while yelling at them ‘TERRORIST’.
I decided to see if I could track down the sponsor of most of these repeal bills, Rep Ted Doutche. I was hoping he would SPILL his guts to me so I could CLEANSE myself of my curiosities about the repeal bills.
While looking for Doutche I ran into Democratic Rep Austin Healey suddenly emerging from a mop closet to ask her what she thought about the MJ repeal bills. She replied, “What was your question about abortion and trans athletes?†Before I could repeat the question, she said, “I think it is perfectly fine for female trans athletes to use Medical MJ while they are pregnant, especially if they are seeking an abortion.â€
Before I could ask her how any of that was even biologically possible she returned to the mop closet telling me, “Sorry, I have to return to the caucus meeting.†I asked if I could attend as a member of the press and she said, “While there is plenty of room for you, I would have to deny your request since Rep Lynn Doobage doesn’t like reporters breathing on her. And don’t look her in the eyes, that’s dangerous.â€
I finally found Doutche guarding the door of the women’s bathroom with a AR-15. I asked him if any constituents asked him to repeal Med MJ after 70% of voters passed the initiative. Doutche responds, “When you say constituents you mean out of state lobbyists from the Big Pharma? Correct?â€
I was going to ask him what voters were but I didn’t want to go down the same path as I did with Hansjob. I asked him, “Besides the lobbyists, what has possessed you to write these authoritarian bills that clearly violates what the voters asked for?†Doutche responds, “Let me fill you in on a little secret. While most reps here will tell you they are inspired by the Bible, Trump, FOX News or Noem, it’s really the circus music playing in our heads that guide us.â€
l3wis 
