If it isn’t the warm weather and lack of snow, it’s a bad chairlift, a flat tire on the snowcat, cold temps (isn’t it a winter sports facility?) or lack of employees. One year they even lost the keys to the lodge and couldn’t find them for 3 weeks. Or who can forget when we left the snow making machine at the car wash by accident and it showed up at a pawn shop 2 weeks later.

The city’s naming commission has decided to push through a name change to ‘Great Excuses’ so we can lower expectations of patrons

“We just figured since Great Bear is only open about 7-17 days during the season we might as well clarify why,” said GM Don Grinder. “Good thing we are heavily subsidized by the taxpayers, otherwise we would have gone bankrupt years ago.”

The Washington Bazillion and The Butterfly Zoo have mentioned their resentment on many occasions. Darwin Spite with the WB said, “We have tried to cancel art and science exhibits in the past when it dips below 10 degrees but somehow the furnace continues to heat the building. Covid was amazing for us though, we basically got to close down for a year. I haven’t had such great nap time during the day since I was in pre-school.”

If the naming commission successfully changes the name to Great Excuses, they have some other name changes in mind. The Premier Center will be changed to the What & Who Center, the Public Safety Center will become the FEED US FOR FREE Center and the Levitt to the $7 Bud Light Theatre.

I’ll get us started;

‘A Pastor, a Color Blind Graphic Designer and a Narcissist walk into a bar . . . wait, maybe I got those mixed around’

Who says there isn’t a silver lining to every story?

While the pressure was put on by law enforcement officials, the governor and the legislature for Lil’ Janks Rumblestrips to resign as Attorney General it seems he decided to leave because of a great opportunity.

“Well, yeah, you know, yeah.” said Rumblestrips, “Yeah, they were considering me after I managed to only get a $500 fine after plowing over a man in a ditch after I was reading right-winger conspiracy theory websites on my phone. But what really convinced them was my $178 speeding ticket for going over 22 MPH a couple of days before my hearing.”

Board President of the driving school, Narc Podias, said, “It is one thing to deny you see a person go through your windshield, but to be speeding 20 miles over the speed limit just days from your hearing, that takes some serious balls, lack of brain cells or both!”

He of course has a different version of the story, “I’ll tell you what I told the officer, I didn’t see the speedometer or the speed limit sign, or the road for that matter, but was able to read some great tweets from Josh Hawley on my phone.”

Narc continues, “What makes him such a great candidate is as a high ranking Republican official in our state and the previous top law enforcement official, he is perfectly suited for teaching students how to drive like Bill drove, and how to bullsh!t your way out of it.”

Some of the courses include;

• I thought it was a deer (that’s what she said)

• Stop Signs? We don’t need no Stinkin’ Stop Signs

• Blame the Diet Coke

• It’s okay to speed as long as you pay your fines

• Only agree to a breathalizer 15 hours after the incident

• How to borrow a Sheriff’s car (when yours is totaled)

• How to take the ‘R’ out of Murder

• Play dumb

While Rumblestrips likely won’t be missed by our Governor and others in law enforcement, he will be a welcome addition to the Wild Bill Janklow Driving School team.

When I have written parodies in the past, I have been warned by friends to be careful how I label them so people know for sure that it is a parody. I didn’t find a disclaimer on their latest article;

For dealing with such unprecedented problems all at once, Mayor Paul TenHaken is KELO.com News’ “Person of the Year for 2020.”

Boy, nothing like a good laugh right away in the morning. I am curious who with the news team at KELO decided this was a good choice (names please) and who were Paul’s competitors? Not sure, but they tell us why he was named (by unnamed folks) beating out (unnamed) competitors;

Sioux Falls mayors had faced civil unrest before. Sioux Falls mayors had faced great economic uncertainty. And Sioux Falls mayors had faced a pandemic. But none of them faced all three difficult situations at the same time in the same year. Under his watch, Mayor TenHaken navigated the city through the politics of the coronavirus, which also caused a bump in the city’s usually robust economy. And he had to quell a property damaging riot that sprang from a peaceful rally in response to the murder of George Floyd in Minneapolis.

First, I will state the obvious, you know I would not agree, but secondly, It kind of sounds like issues he should be dealing with as part of a job HE wanted. Notice they never mention the several times he said he was ‘sick of it’ and ‘didn’t sign up this’. Strangely they left that out of their nomination.

But let’s break down what they said;

• Economy. I may sound old fashioned but the mayor’s job, per the charter, is to be the City Manager. He basically runs the day to day operations of the city and manages the city employees. That’s all he does (or should I say his Chief of Staff). He has very little control over the overall private economy of the city. Mind you, he could have had a major impact, he could have found an early strategy to make sure places like the packing plant and nursing homes were operating safely. He did not, which brings us to the next item.

• Covid. Sure, Paul has taken some measures over the past couple of months with pressure from business owners, citizens, medical professionals and the city council but it was too late. For the first 6-7 months this was raging in Sioux Falls he hid under his desk and took the Noem/Trump view of the virus, if we just ignore it, it will go away. While he has lead better then Noem, that leadership surely wasn’t trophy worthy.

• Civil unrest. During the riot(?) at the mall (where some middle schoolers were throwing rocks) Paul was in a bunker somewhere in a city building watching it play out on a large screen TV. While I am glad that this incident did not result in massive property damage and injuries or death, I’m not sure having the National Guard on your speed dial makes you a champion of quelling civil unrest. I was in the march earlier in the day, and later watched livestreamed on FB. It was peaceful, all over town. The lights went down and some latch key kids got bored and made a rather peaceful protest look bad. If anyone should be commended it should be the people who stood in front of the officers to protect them from rocks.

Has Paul done some good things? Sure, his administration has pushed for treating the city employees better (part of his job) and he has been a big public advocate for mentorship and health and wellbeing. But I’m sure the above mentioned stuff was a bit of a stretch.

The thing that concerns me the most about Paul and his supposed leadership is his blatant disregard for open and transparent government and his efforts in the dark rooms at city hall to totally dismantle what little is left. Is it some kind of a sick joke that the media would pick someone for this honor that HATES open government? I’m not laughing anymore.