After we found out yesterday that Jason was actually driving in the shoulder of the road (almost in the ditch) when he hit Mr. Boever, we were quickly told he was distracted by something, but no one can say what. Speculation is he may have fallen asleep, could have been speeding and lost control, or even worse texting and driving. Some have argued that NOT all distracted driving is the fault of the driver and could be considered an unfortunate accident. The right wing spin machine (which has been famous at protecting Republican office holders who don’t seem to have regard for traffic laws) have been arguing that maybe Jason’s distraction wasn’t his fault.

Highway Patrol Officer, Donald Killsadeer said there are some distinct possibilities, “Once we had a Republican legislator from out in the NW part of the state that had to swerve off the road due to a group of leprechauns crossing the road. We never found them, but he’s a Republican legislator, so we took his word for it.”

Those that are close to Ravnsborg are telling us that after he left the Lincoln Day Dinner that night that before he got to Highmore he saw a bright light in the road and stopped. Right there in the center of the road was an angel holding the Holy Grail. The angel told Jason to take it to Pierre and give it to Noem.

Close friend, Clyde Smorgesborg told us, “Jason didn’t want to leave it out of his site, so he placed it on the dashboard. While he was rounding the turn in Highmore the Grail fell to the floor, as Jason was reaching to grab it he went off the road and hit Boever.”

Hmm, seems plausible, but we were suspicious of one thing about Jason’s alibi. Why was he bringing the Holy Grail to Noem?

Smorgesborg explains, “Oh, that’s easy, Jesus Christ sent it down from Heaven to give to Noem to protect her on the campaign trail for Donald Trump. There’s a lot of crazies out there, and they all seem to gather at Trump rallies.”

So it looks like Jason (like most Republicans in our state) has Jesus on his side.

Case closed.

In a recent national medical study funded by a local government agency they found some startling results; public employees who work as librarians, lifeguards, city directors and managers have very poor immune systems. So poor, the common cold could knock they out for months, even have life-threatening results.

Dr. Bowlshyt who assisted with the study said, “We kept wondering why everyone else in the private sector was going back to work, and managing Covid infections just fine except this group of the workforce. Heck even firefighters, public works employees and police were having low cases.”

For a long time here in our own city and across the country there seemed to be a reluctance to open public libraries, swimming pools and local government offices, now we know why.

“Some have argued that this group may be arrogant, or paranoid for not going back to work like everyone else, like they are some special class of people. But that may not be the case,” continued Dr. Bowlshyt, “While we did find a high level of anxiety and paranoia with this group, we chalked it up to being public employees. But what we found in our medical study is that not only do some of them lack a backbone (said in a sarcastic tone) but they virtually have NO immune system either.”

This may explain why our city and many other cities refuse to send these people back to work. They may have had this medical data all along.

Economist Darrell Dewnuthin also weighed in on the economic side of paying these people while they ‘Joe Biden’ it in their basements, “Well, in reality, does this sector of people really work anyway? Have we noticed any change to the functionality of our cities while this sector of people have been absent? None to report. Cities have actually been saving money because they don’t have these facilities open.”

The only difference is that the taxpayers are still paying the wages and benefits associated with this group of people while they essentially ‘work’ from home. But it’s kind of hard to check out a book, swim in a pool or get a building permit from places that are closed. So what really have they been working on the past several months?

Local citizen advocate Pam Tanga thinks she knows the answer to that question, “What they have been doing before Covid hit. NOT MUCH!”

For years, there has been a push for Minnehaha County and the City of Sioux Falls to join forces and become one. With this merger, they went even a step further. The City of Sioux Falls, the County and also the School District are now all one entity called ‘Sioux Falls OP-OUT’

County Treasurer Stan Neilson said, “So many people are confused about where their property taxes go, and with all these increases by all three entities, this will just make it easier to raise . . . uh . . . I mean ‘regulate’ your property taxes.”

So with this change I wondered if it would actually save taxpayers millions in employee salaries and benefits since a lot of the jobs could be combined.

“Highly unlikely,” said HR director for the city, Bud Da’Toole, “We are going to actually ADD more employees, mostly in management, because we will need a lot of middle managers to handle the transition, I also expect the the administrators to double in the education side of the deal.”

There was one bright spot in the whole transition though, and good news in the Parks and Rec department. Parks Director Dave Kornhole explains, “We figured since we are paying teachers a yearly salary anyway, they might as well work the entire year, so during the summer we will have teachers working in our parks mowing grass and during winter break we will have them plowing streets.”

I wondered if teachers would be qualified to plow the streets. Street director Kyle Skidmore said, “Like our current snowplow operators, if they don’t know how to use the snowgates properly, they’ll just skip a driveway or two.”

Some wondered who would be the administrator of this new unity. Would it be the mayor, the superintendent or the commission chair? Former county chair Sandy Highpants said that was an easy decision, “I’m in charge. I’m always in charge.”

We asked superintendent Bruce Mauler if he was aware of the new leadership decision. “Yeah, she may be ‘in charge’ but we all know who makes the decisions around this joint, behind closed doors of course.”

Mayor TwoSh*ts was unavailable for comment because he was busy with a SELFIE Shoot by a hat rack at Flying J Truckstop.

We also wondered what the legislative makeup would be. City council chair Marty Selless said that the first process would be asking any of the board members of each of the entities if they would want to resign. The only taker so far was Commissioner Jesse Farth who told Marty, “I’m outta here suckers!”

The second step of elimination would be done during a joint meeting with all three bodies. “Basically, whoever falls asleep during that meeting or is caught texting would be eliminated. We figured that should whittle us down to about 5 members” said Selless.

So there you have it, in the name of even higher property taxes, we have made government more efficient.