South DaCola

Editorial Cartoonist from South Dakota

The Ugly Table

Poetry The Ugly Table

The Ugly Table #56

l3wis 5Comments

THE HUNGRY COUSIN

Customer: I would like to apologize for my cousin’s rude behavior.

ME: I didn’t even notice.

Well, actually I did, but after 3 loaves of bread, a gallon of water, a salad swimming in dressing, one & half steaks and two gigantic loaded baked potatoes, I wasn’t really concerned about his rudeness but if he was going to eat me.

Customer: It’s always something with him, the lighting, the music, the way the steak is cooked.

ME: Well his steak was cooked wrong, he had a reasonable complaint.

Well, kinda, WTF is the difference between a medium well and well done sirloin? A hint of pink, otherwise they both taste the same, like shit.

Customer: We were kicking each other under the table because his behavior has come to be expected.

ME: Oh, I know what you mean.

What I wanted to say is, maybe you should get him a membership to Weight Watchers for Christmas. Either that or a gift certificate to Breadsmith.

Either way, you’ll be sending a STRONG message.

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 11/10/11

 

 

Poetry The Ugly Table

The Ugly Table #55

l3wis 8Comments

My belly. So what!?

REGULARS ARE FANTASTIC

They don’t always tip the best, but they meet the mark.

And this prose is not about money, it is about comfort.

As a server, you want comfort from mayhem.

While I may be a crazy bastard who has seen some crazy shit waiting tables, I still have a threshold.

Stress is not pleasant. Ever.

I found myself in a situation I could not control.

Then some ‘regulars’ showed up and asked for me.

Roy & Roseane may never know what they did. But they took me from a 10 to a 1 with their gift.

Thank you.

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 10/12/11

 

The Ugly Table

The Ugly Table #54

l3wis 11Comments

I’ll let an idiot letter to the editor author take care of this one;

By Joyce J. and Ray M. Hofer, Freeman

I am writing about Honorous L. Yusoff’s letter dated Sept. 21.

I, too, tip at a restaurant but not very willingly. We own a business and have employees, and no one has ever tipped. We have to pay our help.

If a restaurant can’t make tons of money, there is something wrong when I pay for my food and part of their wages.

Plus, what really makes me angry is when I’m punished for bringing a group of more than six people to their restaurant and they automatically add a 15 percent to 20 percent gratuity.

Shouldn’t I be able to tip the percent I feel is ample for a large group?

The comments under the article are awesome & stupid;

Let me get this straight: Your job is to take an order and bring it out to the customer when it’s ready, and you want more money than what your boss pays you to do this? Is this capitalism or socialism?

These people are freaking clueless about dining out in a full service restaurant. I would love to make 20% tips by only doing this, but I know I have to go the extra mile to get a good tip, that’s kind of the point of tipping, jackass. Come eat where I work and request me, and I’ll give you ‘take your order’ kind of service. I can guarantee after I take your order and drop off your drinks you won’t see me until check time. We have an infamous family that comes in and never tips. NEVER! When any of us get them, that is exactly how they are treated. They even complained once that we never refilled their drinks, asked how they where, or brought them more bread. Hey, McFly, ever wonder why? T.I.P.S. (TO INSURE PROMPT SERVICE). No TIP. Do the math.

And this guy is a real rocket scientist;

The waitress pulled a fist full of cash bills that could choke a horse out of her apron to put the 15% tip I left for the buffet. This was early in the evening dinner hour, so I am assuming she brought in even more in the next few hours.

You wanna know why she had a fist full of money? Because servers are responsible for their own banks. Not only was that her tips, but I can guarantee most of it was payment for meals she had to give to the restaurant at the end of the night. That is why I try to avoid making change at the table, because dumb fucks like this think that is your tips. And besides, what if it was all of her tips? Are you jealous she has to wait on poor slobs like you all day and gets to take home a living wage? It reminds me of the clever folks who pay part of the bill with a giftcard and only tip a percentage of the amount that is left. Do you think you are fooling us? If your bill is $50 and you normally tip 15% your tip would be $7.50 not $3.75 after a $25 gift card.

Can you make good money waiting tables? Yes, but you have to bust your ass, and you have to put up with the Joyce and Ray Hofer’s of the world who think people should just wait on them because they are so fucking cool to own a business in Freeman. I would love to see what they pay their workers. Take my advice, stay in Freeman to eat, we don’t want you polluting our restaurants in SF with your anti-tip, Oprah watching nonsense.

I would also suggest that every server in SF write down their name in their server books and if they ever come across these people with a check or CC to make their exiting experience one to remember. Servers in Sioux Falls may not have an union, but we talk, and we have your number.

Poetry The Ugly Table

The Ugly Table #53

l3wis 11Comments

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE

I gave you and your husband great service, and how couldn’t I? You were the first and ONLY table in the restaurant.

The kitchen, myself, other servers and the FOH manager had your full attention. Heck I even made your salads myself.

You told me our pasta was ‘really, really good’ (because two ‘Really’s’ are better then one)

When I brought the check you asked where the line was to leave gratuity on the CC receipt, I showed your husband as he grumbled something (this should have been my first clue – obviously you were trying to give him a subtle hint to actually leave a tip for once, something I assume you have issues with – as do I).

As you walked out the door I proceeded to grab the payment book to find no receipt in it

(this is not uncommon, people accidentally take the slip even after signing it – I have had to chase down three cars in the past week, ALL have had tips on them).

As I proceeded towards your vehicle (the only one in the parking lot) your husband tries to drive away until I wave my arms.

You roll down the window and ask what is up? I said, “I need a signed CC receipt.” (as I show you the empty payment book) “It’s not there? I must have forgotten to leave it”, she replies. You hand me the signed slip with NO gratuity written on it (I guess that is why you ‘FORGOT’ and were in such a hurry to scurry away in your brand new, Ford F-150 Super Duty Crew Cab – Git R’ Done!).

To each their own. Fuck you, I got mine. Etc. Etc.

Then you have the nerve (or the stupidity) to thank me for my service. (I’m sure the look on my face was priceless – can you say ‘Fuck You’ with your eyes? I’m sure I did.)

You couldn’t have just slipped a couple bucks under your plate when your domineering husband wasn’t looking?

Or doesn’t he allow you to carry money? Or allow you to have your own opinion? Jane, this is 2011, not 1911.

You seemed like a nice young lady – but you and your husband have some issues to work out when it comes to money (would have loved to hear that convo after I walked away from your vehicle). I feel sorry for you, not just for being married to a cheap ass, but a cheap ass who feels he has to supplement certain misgivings with big trucks. It probably cost $5 to just start that monstrosity – ironically an appropriate tip for my service.

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 9/12/11

 

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